The Way I Loved You
by bigtimerushx31
Summary: Famous means that your the best but for how long? James is the abuser in a abusive relationship. Will he ever come to his senses? And if he does, will he have a career in the aftermath?"
1. Chapter 1

I always told myself abusive relationships were pathetic. That the women in them were insane;_ Crazy_, I mean how could you stay with someone who hurts you? Thinking back to then, I wish I would've had a good or better judgment. I never expected to be stuck in the middle of one.

His words, they hurt, yes indeed they do.

His actions hurt me _more_. Cheating, stealing, binge drinking too.

What hurts more is that he knows it hurts. And yet he continues to hurt me. It was always verbal and emotional, never physical. **Until now.**

I couldn't help but stay. He was a God to others, but behind closed doors, he was a monster. You could see it in his eyes, and yet no one else knew what he was thinking. The pressure was taking over—and yet he took it out on me. God knows why. I can't help but stay. He knows he needs a problem, drinking and hurting me.

I know he loves me, and he knows he does—he can't help but hurt me. It's the only way he knows he's human. That he is flawed, though people picture him perfect. Flawed, that's all he wanted to be, not perfect.

The screams from stage and teenage girls calling him hot and sweet and the perfect guy; though that wasn't what he really was like.

Sometimes I tried to get away—to no prevail. He's find me, and the beating would be worse.

"Please," I begged, and he looked at me. Seeing the sadness and frustration in his eyes; I was on the floor, he had pushed me against the wall. "Baby, I-I-"His apologies always started off like this. "I'm sorry," he said, forcing a hug on me as tears wept down my face.

I turned away from him; I couldn't look at him, not now. I don't think I'll ever look at him the same. I don't even remember how we got like this, this broken up, loving the feeling of hurting each other. Yet, he was the one who hurt me most the times.

I closed my eyes, and prayed. He put his hands to my face, forcing me to look at him; forcing me to look in his eyes. His eyes, you could see he begged for my forgiveness, and that's what I loved. Loving the feeling is someone lost me—they'd regret it.

I pushed his hands away, standing up. "I'll be back later." I told him, and James shot up after me, following me. "Where are you going?" He asked, in an overprotective father's voice. "I'm going to Carlos' house," I breathed, opening the car door as I stepped inside. "No you're not." He threatened; I rolled my eyes.

"Just for the night," I said, calming him down. He sighed, looking at me as I drove away.

**Chapter One: May 28****th**** 2006**

I looked at him, his eyes beaming as I walked into his apartment. "You seem excited," I smiled, gesturing for a hug as I held my arms wide open. He smiled, quickly pulling me into a hug as he spinned me around. I pulled away; giggling. "I love you so much babe." He said, caressing my cheek as I felt my cheeks go red.

"I love you too," I smiled, kissing him softly on the cheek. "Great," he breathed, getting the nervous feeling out of him. "What role did you book?" I asked, curious. "It's a show; Big time Rush." "What's it about?" "A hockey player from Minnesota getting the chance to go to Hollywood."

I giggled, "Like James Maslow has the will to play a conceited hockey player?" I joked, feeling his breath on mine as he pulled me close. "You bet I can," he smiled, and I quickly felt his tender lips on mine, and the world felt great. No, not great, _Perfect. _I was in love with him for years—and he finally kissed me.

"You do realize this is our first kiss?" He asked me, and I felt a huge grin plastering my face. "Yes, I do." I smiled, and he quickly wrapped his arms around my waist; and we both fell onto his couch. "James!" I laughed, hearing him laugh with me. "What?" "You're squishing me," I squirmed from under him. He chuckled, leaning his forehead on mine. "Are you complaining?" He winked.

"No, I'm just saying that you weigh more than me, and since I'm only 130 pounds and you're like I don't know a billion, the pressure of you on me is going to cause me to feel squished." James laughed at me, and I smiled. "Don't get all smart on me."He said, kissing my cheek. I closed my eyes; the feeling of his skin on mine gave me an adrenaline rush. I bit my lip, sitting up a bit. His hands didn't leave my body, he quickly grabbed my hand, and the look on his face—I knew he was thinking what I was.

"You're amazing you know that right?" He asked me, and I smiled. "Well thank you, "I said and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me on his lap as he cradled me in his arms. "I wish we could just stay in this memory forever," I said and he nodded in agreement. "Everything is perfect." He agreed, "Just like you." I said and he frowned, his eyebrows crinkling. "I'm not perfect," He said, a bit offended. "You're as close to it as it gets," I said and he blushed, looking down. "Well thank you," He said—stealing my line. "Whatever now kiss me." I ordered, and he chuckled, quickly pulling me into a kiss.

**Present Day**

James ran into the house; the once loving house he shared was now always filled with his screams. And my shrieks of terror.

"_Cassidy_," He screamed running into the living room. I rubbed my hands through my hair; I had been watched the latest episode of 'Teen Mom' when he grabbed the remote out of my hand, throwing it against the television screen. I rolled my eyes, trying not to get him more upset then he already was. "What James?" I asked, feeling his eyes full of—I couldn't put my finger on it. It was filled with such anger and hatred, it made me sad. "Why in hell didn't you call me?" He asked.

I rolled my eyes; I had just gotten off my shift at work—and now this?

"I did call you, I called you four times." I said, trying to sound as calm as I could; not wanting him to lay a finger on me. "Well you didn't. I think I'd know if my phone rang." He said, spitting out venomous words. "And I think I'd know when I picked up the house phone and called you."

James got more angered, and you could tell. The veins on his neck tightened, and his fists were clenched. "_Excuse_ me?" "You heard me! I'm not gonna stand here and let-" I was interrupted when I felt James' hand on my cheek, hearing a loud smack against my cheek and I quickly fell onto the floor. Tears dwelling in my eyes. "You listen to me," He screamed in my face; not even caring that I was crying. "Look at me!" He ordered, pulling my hands away from my face, he grabbed my pony tail, yanking on it.

"LISTEN to me!" He repeated, and I looked at him; tears continuing. "If you think you can be a little bitch to me, you're wrong." He spat. The grip on my hair tightened, I screeched in pain, feeling his hand on my neck. "Shut the fuck up!" he screamed, and I took a deep breath.

"Fucking bitch!" He screamed, pushing me against the wall. "Please—" I begged, crying. He didn't listen, I looked up at him, and he began the beating.


	2. chapter 2

I opened my eyes, wanting this nightmare to be over. I was on the floor, huddled in the corner of the basement. Dried blood stains covered my body. "Ah," I silently said to myself in pain. Trying to stand up, I quickly went back to the floor. My body was sore. It had always felt like this. Sore. My eyes felt heavy from all the smeared makeup that covered my face. Tears fell from my eyes. Holding onto a arm of a chair, I forced myself stand.

I began walking up the stairs that lead to the living room. Once I got to the couch, I sighed. Trying not to cry; I looked, seeing James. Limping to my bed, I began crying in my pillow. We used to be so happy, so in love. What happened? Oh yeah, this god damn band did. I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. I want to feel..Nothing. I don't want to live. I don't want to feel pain. I want…to be numb, to feel nothing at all. I want to be happy again, that's all I want.

Embracing the pain as I turn on my side, I close my eyes, letting another tear fall. I covered my heart, heartbroken. I had always felt like this. Heartbroken. He always said he'd change, yet, no change at all. My eyes closed, as I drifted to sleep.

I sighed, steeping into Carlos' mustang as he drove me to work. My hair was in a down, not by choice. I had to wear it down. To cover the scars.

"Cassidy, what happened to your arm?" he yelled, pulling it.

Shit, I forgot to wear a sweater. Along my arm laid a long purple bruise. "I...burned it when I was cooking pizza…" Such a pathetic lie.

Carlos gave me a glare. He wasn't falling for my lies. "C'mon Cass, I'm your best friend. You can tell me what happened….."

-NO POV-

Cassidy looked down; noticing her expression Carlos quickly understood it. "Did James…_do this to you?"_

Cassidy didn't say anything. Covering her face, she wiped away the tears that fell. "You can't tell anyone…" she pleaded.

"Are you _**serious!**_" he asked, scoffing. "He BEATS you, Cass. **Beats. **You're going to go and let him get away with it?"

"Just leave it alone."

"No!" He hissed, grabbing her wrist. Forcing her to look at him. "He's not going to hurt you anymore."

"Carlos," she looked at him. Her eyes were pleading. _Begging_ for him to keep silent. "If he finds out you know…"

"He'd do what? Hit me?" He said, clenching his fists.

"No. He'd hit _me._" She said, making it clear.

He scoffed, shaking his head as he stared driving the car. "I thought you have more respect for yourself…"

"CARLOS! I really don't need this right now…" She said, biting her lip.

He rolled his eyes. He couldn't bear to see the girl he liked, let alone loved get hurt. Hurt wasn't the word. Abused was more like. He was on the verge of tears, but he promised himself he'd be strong; not cry in front of her. His guard was up, and this was a reason why.

He parked the car. He didn't know how to feel. Unbuckling his seatbelt, she looked at him. "Carlos," she choked out. He looked at her, seeing how hurt she was.

She quickly rushed to his side of the seat, tenderly hugging him. "Thank you," She whispered, feeling the Latino's arms wrap around her weak ginger torso.

"You're welcome." He sighed.

It was nine o'clock at night. Cassidy's shift at Mel's Clothing Store ended.

"You want me to come inside with you?" Carlos asked, his hand tightly gripped on the steering wheel.

She became uneasy. Unsure if James would be mad or not. "I dunno,"

"I'm coming in with you." He said, overprotective. Unlatching his seatbelt, he opened her car door for her. Eyeballing James when he noticed he was staring out the window.

Cassidy weakly stepped out the door, stressed. "Thanks," she quickly brushed a piece of hair behind her ear. Awkwardly.

"It's what I'm here for." He moderately spoke, walking next to her to the doorstep. "I'm coming inside," he announced.

She sighed."Alright," It was no use fighting it. Unlocking the door, she walked in the door.

Walking in, she noticed James was on the couch. Deeply sleeping.

She sighed of relief. "Let's go to my room." She commented, and he followed her, his hands in his pockets.

"Alright," he was disgusted. Disgusted with James. Disgusted with the house. Disgusted with everything.

He took a seat on her bed, noticing a frame that was knocked over. Picking it up. The picture was of him and Cassidy. "Whyd you throw this out?" He asked, offended.

"I didn't, James had a tantrum." She said, seeing him nod.

"Member when we took this picture?" He smiled.

"Yeah, I do."

Four years earlier-Flashback—

She just sat there. Who is she? Cassidy Rodriguez. Where is she? At a empty bar. Why is she there? She has no idea. She just sat there. Confused & lost with everything that happened. She was so in thought she didn't noticed the tall, strong, tannish man that sat down next to her. She was so confused & depressed. He cleared his throat. Getting the attention of the blonde. She looked at him. He smiled. A warm and calm smile. She just nodded. How could she be so happy? All warm & calm like him. She was upset. She wanted to cry. She knew she shouldn't. He could tell that she was upset. He didn't know if he should ask her why she is sad or just leave her be. But deep down he couldn't see her look so sad.

"Do you want anything else?" The bartender asked. She looked up at him, eyes deep hazel eyes were…attractive to say the least.

"Sure," she groggily replied. Drinking til she would forget why she even came here in the first place.

"A girl like you shouldn't be drinkin' this late."

She rolled her eyes. "A guy like you shouldn't be asking pointless questions."

He eased back. "Fine," taking a rag. He cleaned the table.

"My boyfriend dumped me alright!" She yelled, irritated. She felt like he was pitying her to tell him, forcing.

"So that's the reason why you pour yourself in alcohol?" He scoffed.

"Why am I even talking to you? Why don't you go try to get some skank like everyone else?"

Carlos grinned, getting an idea. "Ah, he cheated on you huh?"

"What?—no!

Carlos glared.

"Fine, yeah." She said, taking another drink of her beer.

"Whyd he cheat on you?"

"Why do you keep asking pointless questions?"

"Now, you're the one asking the questions." That made her laughs. It was so soft & sweet. It made him smile. "That was cute."

She turned & looked at him "What was cute?"

"Your laugh."

She smiled, "Are you hitting on me, sir?"

"Maybe," he flashed a grin.

She took a deep breath. Smiling with him.

End of Flashback—

"That was funny as hell," Cassidy laughed.

"I know, that was back when things were normal." He said, taking a direct pun at James.

"Carlos…"

"I swear, I hate James! You should live with me." He smiled.

"I should."

James clenched his fists. He was eavesdropping and he now knew what he had to do.


	3. chapter 3

**Cassidy POV**

"Rescue me, god damn it!" James screamed on the top of his lungs, startling me. "Show me who the hell i am, okay? Because i don't know who i am!"

It took me a minute to realize James was almost crying.

"James?" I quietly muttered while he pounded his fists against the kitchen table.

Seeing the back of his head, he shook it back and forth repeatedly. "I'm sorry, okay?"

Gulping, i let him continue.

"I didn't want us to be this way. I truly didn't. The last thing i wanted to be a was complete monster."

Turning around, his chest bounced up and down as he breathed. "If i could control myself i would..."

He must've saw me and Carlos earlier talking about me moving in because he had never been so broken up.

"What do you want me to do?" I rubbed my hand through my hair.

"Take me back, please." He begged.

Looking in his eyes, i tried to find a reason to leave. His hazel eyes so blurry and precise i let him continued. "Give me a reason chance, please. I'll try to be better. I'll try to change. Don't leave me," tears suddenly dripped from his eyes. "Don't leave. I don't know what i'd be without you."

"I love you."

And that was all he had to say before i fell into his arms.

I didn't want to stay but i had no choice. I couldn't leave him broken like that. Feeling his arms wrap around my figure, i rubbed the back of his head feeling his weight overtake mine. I had the decency to be with him because he was a big part of my life.

"Thank you," he whispered in my ear. He sounded . . . like he meant it.

"You're welcome." I faked a smile while he slowly pulled away.

"Don't ever leave me, please?" He asked and i got frightened.

"I won't." I promised.

"Good," He grabbed my hand locking our fingers together.

I wonder if he knew my heart was beating like a drum. "I love you so much," he kissed the spot on my head above my ear.

I knew where this was going and i wasn't sure if i should stop it or let it continue.

"James," I stopped him. "Let's not do this."

"Why not?" He frowned. "It's not like we havent done it before."

I looked down for a second and i felt him chin my head forward. _This_ was the James i was in love with. "Don't be scared. I'm not gonna hurt you anymore."

Giving in, i felt his lips crash onto mine. His hands running up and down my body while i grabbed onto his neck it felt all too familiar. Grabbing my waist, James pulled me up so i wrapped both of my legs around his waist.

Pushing hair out of my face i felt my body get pinned against a wall. "I love you so much," he repeated like earlier. Sending kisses down my neck i let out a moan. "I love you too," i gasped and tugged on his hair.

Tearing at his red plaid shirt i saw buttons loosely fall to the floor. His shirt slowly fell off his muscular shoulders and i ran my fingers over his shoulder blades. Re-attaching our lips, i felt him stick his tongue in my mouth. He always did fight for dominance.

Picking me up again, i giggled as he made his way to our bed.

"What's so funny?"

"You always carry me places," I smiled as i kissed him deeper than before.

Feeling his body crash onto mine, it wasn't long before we made love.

* * *

"You're with him? _Again_!"

"Carlos, stop." I slowly removed my shirt from my body, throwing it on the ground showing me in a multi-colored bikini top.

"No, i'm not gonna stop." Slamming the locker shut, he bit his lip. "Why on earth would you go back with him?"

"We made up!" My tone in voice changed as i got more angry.

"Made up?" He freaked. "How long is that gonna last?" His words echoed through the entire locker room.

"It is gonna last okay. Its different this time."

Carlos let out a chuckle. "Wow," he shook his head. "He has you wrapped around his little finger!"

"He does not."

"Yeah?" Carlos put on his swimming goggles. "You guys have made up so many times in the past year. Do you even hear the words im saying cass? If he hits you once he'll hit you again."

"No, he won't."

Frustrated, Carlos clenched his fists and punched the locker next to me. Putting a dent in it, he was stronger than he looked. He was beggining to startle me.

"Carlos, calm down."

"I don't understand how you can let someone hurt you like that. Did you ever think that someone else could possibly love you _more _than James? Huh? Did you ever think of that?"

"That doesn't even matter. No other guy has looked at me in the past three years, okay? It's always been that way!" I was starting to get more and more sensitive as i continued to talk to me. "All throughout high school i was always the pudgy little dork who got the cute football player! No one even noticed me. So yeah, i stay with James but that's because he was the only one that loved me." I looked at Carlos' expression. "He's the only one that loves me. I've got no one. No family, no friends i threw practically everything away for him."

"Is that really what you though throughout high school?"

Blinking, i realized i had never said those words outloud. "Yeah . . ."

"Are you insane? Have you not realized that i've been here for you through everything?"

"Yes, i know that-"

"No!" He cut me off. "You don't know that. You don't know that i'm crazy about you either."

My eyes widened. "You're... You're crazy about me?" I blushed feeling like i was a freshman in highschool again.

"Yeah," He smiled. "I always have. Ever since tenth grade."

In less than a second, I felt Carlos pull me closer to him and press his lips against mine.

Kissing back, i heard someone clear their throat.

"James?" Carlos said as he pulled away and i suddenly felt my heart drop.

* * *

authors note:

this chapter was really bad D: But its something do you think james really meant it when he said he wouldnt hurt cassidy anymore? and do you think she should be with carlos? review please they motivate me.


	4. chapter 4

"James, slow down!" Cassidy screamed on the top of her lungs. Holding onto her seatbelt, she prayed. James was driving like a maniac going at least sixty five miles an hour. Plus, the down pour of her kissing Carlos had went through the roof. It was pouring out and she felt like she was going to be sick.

"You want me to stop the car!" He screamed, his hair drenched with sweat and rain. "I'm not doing anything! You kissed Carlos. Carlos; Out of everyone, him!"

"It's not like you haven't cheated on me before."

Taking his eyes off the road something bursted inside of him. Erupted like a volcano. "You're right..." He took a deep breath. "You're right..."

* * *

The rest of the car ride was silent. Cassidy repeatedly looked at James, unable to figure out his expression. He looked deep in thought about something, something she couldn't figure out.

* * *

**James' POV**

My mind was racing as i drove home. The only thing i heard in the back of my head was Cassidy.

_It's not like you haven't cheated on me..._

Did i really cheat on her? Alot?

Numbers popping up in my head as i counted. Yeah, i cheated on her alot. Over twenty times.

Sighing, i felt an arouma of shame rush over me. I don't understand how i got out of control. In the beginning of our relationship, things were great. Amazing. Now, everything was taking a turn for the worse. It he had been taking that turn for months now. God, he thought as he thought about his career.

What would the tabloids think? The guys? Or the fans? They would think i was a monster.

I don't want to be a monster.

I don't want to.

Not anymore.

I need to change.

And soon.

Cheating wasn't the only thing i did.

God, i... i _hit_ her. I actually laid my hands on her... what was i thinking?

How could I? How could i do that to her? To _her? _She is the most beautiful girl i've ever seen.

Countless replays of me hitting her joined the realization.

_"James, please, please stop." Cassidy begged. Crying her eyes out, it took James a moment to realize he had thrown her down the stairs._

_"No!" He screamed._

_Jumping at the sound of his voice, Cassidy felt his hands around the collar of her shirt. Her eyes widening as he pulled her body forward, he let his vicious words cut her like a knife._

_"You're not going anywhere. Any. Where. Got it? You're gonna stay with me, forever. You're never getting away from me."_

I felt my hands shake against the steering wheel and I looked at Cassidy. She was just as scared in that moment as she is now.

"Cassidy..." I started and pulled over to the side of the road.

Remaining silent, she just looked at me with her eyes wide open.

"I'm sorry," I said bursting out into tears. "I'm so sorry," Sobbing, she pulled my head into her chest.

"I don't wanna hurt you anymore," i gulped. "I don't wanna abuse you..."

**Cassidy POV**

"Cassidy..." James started and pulled over to the side of the road. My grip tighened on the handle of the door ready to run any second if he tried to touch me. I started at him, blinking, waiting for him to say something.

"I'm sorry," He said and . . . he began crying. _Crying._ Tears began falling from both eyes at a speed i couldn't handle. "I'm sorry,"

I couldn't stand to see him like this.

Yes, he hurt me. Yes, he did it alot. Yes, he physically hurt me in ways that would make me never again normal. But, this apology was different. I fully believed him and i... i couldnt let him cry.

Pulling his head into my chest, i could feel my chest getting sticky because of him crying.

"I dont wanna hurt you anymore..." He cried even harder and i felt his head bob agaisnt my chest unevenly. "I don't wanna abuse you..." He continued to cry and i wrapped my arms around his neck. Kissing his forehead, i began to cry myself.

"I don't want you to either," I choked up. "I don't want you to either..."

Pulling away from my chest, he touched my cheek. "I'm so sorry. We started out so great..." I began crying more and more as i heard him talk. "I just . . . fucked it up." Sniffling, he pulled away and that gave me a chance to unbuckle my seatbelt. "I started hurting you for no reason, for no reason and i..." He stopped for a second to cry. "I shouldn't have put you through that." Grabbing his face, i bit my lip letting him finish.

"I'm such a monster. I did a thing i said i never would and i,i feel so bad. I should have never touched you. I don't know why i did. I don't know why. You never did anything wrong and i just wanna be a good person again."

Looking at him, i didn't know if this was a dream or reality. Both of us, sitting in his crying, crying our eyes out.

"_Even angels have.. their wicked schemes…_" I cleared my throat. He looked up at me. My vision was blurred from crying but i barely managed to speak. "_…and you take that to new extremes… b__ut you'll always be my hero..."_ He clutched onto my stomach hugging me tightly. "_... even though... you've lost... your mind._"

Before i knew it, my hands were wrapped around his neck and i held him close. Closing my eyes we just sat their and cried.


	5. chapter 5

Sitting down with his knees shaking, James looked directly at Kendall, Logan and Carlos as they filled the room. Sitting on the couch directly across from him, James got nervous. He called the rest of the band to a meeting and he wasn't sure how it was going to go. The guys could hate him or support him in his decision.

"So, James, why'd you call all of us here?" Kendall asked, his hands digging into a small pack of m&ms.

"Yeah, what's up?" Logan replied, seeing the nervous expression on his best friend's face.

Carlos remained silent. Giving accidental dirty looks he wasn't sure what the next few weeks were going to be like.

"I have an announcement," He cleared his throat rubbing both of his hands together.

"An announcement?" Kendall furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "What kind of announcement?"

Getting more nervous, James wiped sweat off his forehead.

"I need help," He closed his eyes for a few seconds. Re-opening he noticed the guys stared at him with wide eyes.

"What, What kind of help?" Logan stuttered. He had never seen James more serious. Millions of things ran through his mind. Did he have personal issues? Drugs? What could it be?

"Counseling." He kept his voice firm, anxiety running through him, keeping his eyes on all three on his band mates.

"Counseling?" Kendall asked unsure of this meeting. "Counseling for what?"

Taking a deep breath, "I've been a horrible person the last few months," He paused. "I've been abusive to Cassidy." Gulping, he felt a lump in his throat form. "And i wanna get help."

Logan's eyes widened. "Abusive? What do you mean _abusive_?"

"Abusive, Logan. What do you think it means?"

Standing up, Logan was in an outrage. "You touched her! You touched Cassidy?" Running up towards James he was about to choke him.

"Logan, stop!" Carlos screamed, the first time he talked since the meeting began. "Don't touch James."

"Don't touch him?" He pushed past James and ran up to Carlos. "How can you let him say this to us?"

"He wants help, Logan. Don't you realize that?" Shaking his head at Logan he thought that Logan would be more understanding. "It probably took him alot of courage to come out and realize his mistakes. I've seen Cassidy at her worst. We've been seeing eachother behind James' back and i think that is what started the abuse. Now, look, you can't judge him because none of us knew what we were dealing with."

Logan's chest relaxing, he sighed. "I just can't believe this is happening."

"Neither can I." Kendall bit his lip, staring at the floor. Not bothering to look up.

"Kendall..." James began, pained.

"No, James. Don't 'Kendall' me." Standing to his feet, he threw his hands in the air. "You were supposed to take care of her. To be her knight in shining armor. That's a boyfriend's job, right? To make sure she's alright and not hurting. I can't believe that you would do this."

"I can't believe it either okay? I don't know what happened. Everything was great in the beginning but as we got bigger and more successful i just got...more angry."

"You can't blame the band for this." Logan cut into the conversation.

"I know," Looking down at his feet James felt a hand touch his shoulder.

"It's gonna be okay," Carlos' voice startled him. "You have my support." Giving James a friendly look he smiled.

"Why on earth are you supporting me?" He raised his voice.

"Because," He sat next to his best friend. "You realized that you need help. I've seen everything that happened between you and Cassidy and," He paused. "She doesn't know your doing this, does she?"

"Nope." He shook his head.

"Good. You need to focus on yourself."

Giving Carlos a warm smile, he touched his shoulder feeling Carlos' hand still there.

Kendall and Logan looked at eachother talking without using words.

"Alright," Kendall broke the silence and walked closer to James. "You have my support, buddy." Touching his other shoulder, they all looked at Logan waiting for him.

"I can't believe this. The band is gonna be over after this." Logan frowned.

"Which is why," James looked at Logan and Carlos before continuing. "I've planned on leaving the band until i get better."

Feeling all of the guys' stare at him, he got goose bumps.

"How long?" Kendall asked.

"It doesn't matter how long he's gone. As long as he gets better and becomes normal again, he can take as long time off that he needs." Carlos interjected and Logan and Kendall nodded in approval.

"Okay," Kendall said, sighing.

"When you leave, what's gonna happen to us?" Carlos asked, scratching the back of his neck.

"You'll be fine." James touched Carlos' thigh and gave him a warm reassuring smile.

* * *

James walked near the airport, his luggage in his right hand following him. The guys and Cassidy walking behind him all took a deep breath.

"The tabloids are gonna freak once they hear about this." Logan said, his hands stuffed in his pockets.

"Yeah, but we'll be alright." Kendall earnestly looked at James and Cassidy. "She still stayed with him through all of this." He bit his lip. "If that isn't true love, i don't know what is."

Carlos overhearing the conversation looked at James and Cassidy who were still walking to the entering area of the airport.

"I love you," He heard her break down into tears.

Wrapping his arms around her, he automatically pulled her in a hug. "I'm gonna get better, okay?" He whispered in her ear as they rocked back and forth. "I'm gonna get better for you."

That was a promise he knew he would keep.

"I'm sorry," He dug his head into her shoulder. "For everything,"

Biting his lip, Carlos felt jealous overwhelm him. Keeping it cool, he watched them say goodbye.

"It's okay." She rubbed the back of his head. "I forgive you."

"Even though i don't see how," James gave off a warm chuckle. Both of them smiled pulling apart.

Turning serious, James glanced at Carlos. "If you're with Carlos when I get back, i won't be mad."

Staying silent, she looked at James with saddened eyes. "Okay." She bit her lip. "But know that i'll always love you, okay? No matter what happens." She didn't know how she had managed to stay strong this long.

"I will." Pulling Cassidy against his chest, James felt her cry. "I know that." Bursting out into tears, he suddenly chuckled. "I didn't think goodbye would be this hard..."

"me neither," she giggled and embraced his hug.

"My plane is leaving soon," he pulled away.

"Yeah," she cleared her throat. "I know." Rushing her fingers through her hair, she looked back at the guys. "I'm sure you wanna say goodbye to them."

"Yeah," He gave her one last smile. "I do,"

Turning on her heel, she walked over to the guys without saying a word. Kendall wrapped her hand around her shoulder, giving her some comfort.

Carlos was the first one to walk up to James.

"Hey," He awkwardly greeted his friend.

"Hey,"

Giving eachother a hug, the best friends held their tears back. "I love you man," Carlos sadly said.

"Love you too,"

Next it was Kendall's turn.

"I'm sorry things had to turn out this way." James apologized.

"Me too, but, shit happens." The green-eyed blonde gave his friend a bitter look. He couldn't manage to look him in the face. "I'm gonna miss you. The band won't be the same without you."

"I'm not dying man," He smiled.

Faking a smile, Kendall looked at his friend. Everything was happening so fast. He was worried about his friend, about his career, about everything. "I know, man. I know."

"Gimme a hug." He opened his arms.

Smiling, his eyes glowed as he hugged his best friend. "Bye James."

"Bye Kendall," his throat felt like it was about to clasp shut as he wrapped his arms around Kendall. Crying, he pulled away. Quickly wiping away his tears he noticed Kendall was crying too.

Logan walked up to James.

"hey man," He gave him a hug.

"Hey," James could sense he was still angry.

"I'm still pretty pissed at you, but i mean, i'm happy you're gonna get better. You deserve some happiness."

Half-smiling, he shrugged. "i guess so."

Before Logan could say anything James' phone beeped.

"My plane is leaving in ten minutes. I better get going."

"Okay man, bye." Logan walked back to the group and James suddenly felt like something was missing.

Oh yeah, he was missing.

Looking back on more time, he grabbed the handle of his luggage and gave everyone a smile. Giving a quick wave, he saw everyone wave back, and without a second look he walked into the airport.

Goodbye, James.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

I really love this chapter. I was considering this be the ending and make a sequel but i choose to finish it. Have some more Kendall and Logan in it along with Cassidy and James. Do you think James will get better? And what will happen to BTR without James? hmm, lots of things going on in the next few chapters. Hope you guys enjoy the series.


	6. chapter 6

**And I've lost who I am,  
and I can't understand **

**Why my heart is so broken,**

**rejecting your love, **

The ride to Cassidy's house was dead silent. The three guys came for moral support and to confess that they all had wished they could've done something sooner. Well, Logan and Kendall.

Feeling guilty inside, Carlos scratched the back of his head. He felt his thoughts eating away at the back of his skull. He didn't understand why James would tell him that if he came back and Cassidy was with him that he wouldn't be mad. After going through so many fights, he couldn't wrap his head about it.

Breaking the silence, Carlos heard Logan speak. The thick hase between reality and thoughts caused his head to throb.

"It's gonna be okay," Logan smiled a comforting smile, rubbing his hand up and down Cassidy's back. He never really realized it but Logan always did look at Cassidy a certain way that he never noticed until now. He always claimed that he saw her as a sister but the glow in his eye had him thinking something differently. Cassidy smiled back at him, since she was sitting in between Kendall and Logan it was almost too easy to see what everyone was doing by sitting in the opposite direction they were sitting in the limo. His arms against his chest, he noticed Logan send a chaste kiss against her cheek. Carlos knew he shouldn't have been digging so deeply into Logan's buisness. He gave his friends kisses on the cheek all the time. Shrugging, he looked at Kendall who was intenty staring at his phone.

"Who are you texing?" Carlos spoke up, clearing his throat.

Sliding his phone closed, he shoved it in his pocket and looked up. "James."

Cassidy's eyes twitched for a second and leaned her head on Logan's shoulder. Closing her eyes automatically, she began drifting asleep.

"Why are you texting him?" Logan asked, looking down at Cassidy than back up at Kendall.

"To see if he got on the plane alright."

Nodding, Logan looked down on the ground.

He noticed something about Carlos' body language that was rubbing him the wrong way. He had his hands against his chest while looking extremely irritated.

"Carlos," Logan hulped, his adams apple showing. "Did you know anything about this?"

Rubbing his legs, Carlos wasn't sure if he should tell the truth or lie. He never lied to his friends; Ever. He just wasn't sure if this was the right time to be discussing this.

"Yeah," Kendall realized. "You didn't seem mad or shocked that James was telling us about what happened."

"What did you want me to say?" Carlos quietly replied. "I have been to Cassidy's many times before James came out to us. . . " He took a deep breath and began thinking his mind all over the place. "Yes, i knew."

"And you didn't say anything?" Kendall roared, confused. Carlos was one of the most caring people he knew. He wouldn't keep something like this a secret.

"I tried." He speaked louder this time. "I tried so many times. I tried to have her move in with me but she wouldn't. She made me promise not to tell anyone."

"Carlos, you to break promises like this . . . " Kendall started.

"Yes, Kendall, I know." He spat, licking his lips. "You weren't there. You didn't see anything that happened so don't even think for a second that you can judge me."

"I never was going to judge you Carlos."

"Really? Because that is what everyone is doing. I tried to keep Cassidy as safe as i could."

"We know that Carlos, we know that." Logan interjected noticing the tension in the room.

"Good. Just lay off. This is hard on me, too."

"It's hard on all of us, Carlos!" Kendall scoffed. "The band is going to go to shit once everyone finds out about this. Hundreds of people are going to hate James now and it's gonna be hell. We have to do a press conference later today did you know that? We all so many things to do so don't think that you're the only one who feels horrible about nothing being able to do anything."

"Kendall!" Carlos threw his hands in the air, trying to collect his thoughts together. "Just. Stop." He warned.

Kendall's shoulders relaxed while he body crashed against the leather fabric of his seat. Not saying anything, he grabbed out his phone and began texting on it.

Back to square one.

* * *

"Hello everyone," Kendall looked at the reporters and all of the news crews sitting below him. Him, Carlos and Logan deeply sighed. "The band Big Time Rush has called you to this press conference for a very specific reason."

The men and woman in the crowd began giving eachother weird looks out of confusion.

Ignoring the looks, Kendall continued. "As you can tell," Kendall picked up the microphone from the stand and began walking to the left side of the stage. "James Maslow, a member of the band is not with us today."

Feeling everyone's eyes on his, he began choking up silently. "James Maslow has admitted himself into a counseling program for about six to eight months," He cleared his throat. "For abusive behaviour with his long time girlfriend Cassidy Jones."

Gasps came from the crowd included with jaws dropping and people's eyes widening. Before any reporters could say anything, Logan grabbed a microphone from the stand and felt his eyes soften. "Because of James being excluded out of the band for such a long period of time," He looked at Kendall before continuing. "We have decided to end Big Time Rush for the time being until further notice."

Kendall began getting teary eyed as Logan spoke mostly because he knew he didn't have the courage to. He didn't have the courage to come out and say one of his best friends beat his girlfriend. He was too in shock to process what was happening.

"Any questions?" Logan asked and immediately the whole crowd stood and flashed cameras and recording devices in Logan's face.

"Do you have any idea why James would do such violent actions?" A girl dressed in a suit asked.

Kendall shrugged. He was always the leader of the band in some sort. He usually handled the press and media but this time he couldn't. Taking the microphone from Logan he looked at everyone. Getting disgusted, he knew half of them only wanted the gossip and the reason why he went into counseling. They would fabricate the story and Kendall knew that.

"No one knows why James would do such a thing." Kendall kept his eyes on the ground. "He was always a good caring person. He still is. Which is why he's getting help."

"What about Big Time Rush?" A blonde man in his thirties asked.

"I have no comment on that statement. Right now, we're not worried about the band. We're worried about our friend, _our brother,_ and his well-being."

"What about his girlfriend, Cassidy Jones?" A reporter for E! News asked.

"She's doing alright. She is also getting counseling for herself and other things." Carlos said, surprising Logan and Kendall since none of them knew that.

"I think that this press conference is over." Kendall gulped, feeling a tickle in his throat. He was going to start crying any second.

Logan and Carlos looked at Kendall who followed his lead when he walked off stage.

* * *

Running as fast as he could Kendall slammed his taxi's door as fast as he could. He needed to get away from this public eye. He needed to get home. It took him about ten minutes to get home. Once he did, he sat in his bed and felt the tears trickle down his face.

All his life he had wanted something to go right for him.

He loved singing it was the only thing that took him away from his troubles. He believed that with everything in it.

Everything was crashing down on him. His best friend was in counseling, the band was possibly ending, it was all too much. He knew it was eventually going to happen but not this way.

Not this way.

Wiping the tears away from his face, he sniffled to himself.

He could feel his dream, his passion, slipping away from him. Had had no control over it either, he knew Nickelodeon wouldn't tolerate such a huge scandal and he would no longer have a job.

_His job._ He wouldn't find a way to make money. He wouldn't be able to eat. He wouldn't be able to have his car. To have the luxuries that he dreamed of having ever since he was a kid. Those luxuries would be taken away so quickly. So fast. It pained him so badly. He wouldn't have the oppurtunity to share him music anymore.

_His music._ He questioned the thought if he was even good enough. Yeah, he had _some_ talent but he was no solo act. All he had was his voice and he pondered if his voice was good enough. He had gotten rejected hundreds of times. He was going to get rejected again. And again. Another time he failed. He was a failure.

He couldn't blame James though. That was the last thing he was going but he couldn't stop his feelings. Tears dripped off his chin and onto his green plaid shirt a thing his fans loved.

The fans.

Would his fans even like Big time Rush after this?

Would they support James or hate him? Would they possibly turn into haters and forget everything he taught them? Would his fans bully him and say "oh, no surprise there" like all of his bullies did in school?

Would they take down their posters? Will they delete their songs? Will they change their twitter accounts and support the next big superstar?

Will they?

Sure, he had a backup plan. But he wouldn't be surprised if he faded away once that backup plan. He dreaded on being a one hit wonder and being lost in today's "oh i loved him" society.

His parents. Would they be mad? Would they be supportive? Yeah, he knew his parents would support him. At least he thinks he does.

Having so much success and money in such a big house; Kendall Schmidt never felt so alone.

* * *

Logan ran on the back of his heel as fast as he could into his small apartment on Hollywood Boulevard. The quiet passionate band member had so much rage held inside of him.

The news was released to the public. His phone wouldn't stop ringing and right now, all he wanted was to be alone.

Logan felt his heart beating at such an abnormal rate he wasn't sure if he was going to have a heart attack or not.

They knew.

His family knew.

The fans knew.

Nickelodean knew.

He knew his mom would call him and say "I told you so."

God, she never believed in him.

No one did. Only his friend Demi did.

Demi, he knew he couldn't possibly talk to her right now. She had everything an enormous amount of popularity. She was much bigger than him anyway.

Thoughts began racing though the raven haired boy's mind until he finally snapped.

Flipping his kicten table with his bare hands it left a huge scratch on the floor. He knew he would have to pay for it but he didn't care. He didn't have anything so it didn't matter.

Going through cabinets, he threw all of his memorbelia out. Crushing it with his bare hands. Taking out Big Time Rush books and small things the fans gave him he began ripping them apart.

Tearing apart everything in his kitchen, Logan took a knife and began stabbing holes and huge lines in a very expensive couch. Throwing framed pictures of him on the ground smashing them with his feet Logan suddenly fell to the floor.

Screaming on the top of his lungs, his face fell into his hands and he began sobbing.

It was over.

His life was actually over.

* * *

Before Big time Rush, Carlos had never booked a huge major role.

He had small roles on Nickeloden shows, Er, and other small roles but the call he got from Nickeloden wasn't really sinking into him yet.

_"Carlos. We are going to have to end Big time Rush. We can't handle this. I'm sorry. If you or the guys need something, anything, come to us. The Nickeloden family will be here for you. We love you Carlos. Bye."_

Carlos sat in the limo by himself on his way to Cassidy's.

He wasn't really torn up or hurt.

There wasn't an emotion that could describe how he felt.

He had expected Nickelodeon to dump them once the news came out. Nickelodeon being all "kid-friendly" and everything.

He'd expected everything that happened, to happen.

He knew that everything was going to work out, also.

He had great fans. _Amazing_ fans. He knew about half of them would support them. Half of them wouldn't but he knew it would be okay.

It'll be okay, he reminded himself.

It'll be okay.

**Yesterday I died; **

**tomorrow's bleeding**

**Fall into your sunlight**


	7. chapter 7

**I'm holding on until the last  
I'm holding on until there's nothing left  
I'm holding on until the last  
I'm holding on until there's nothing left**

_Phone Call._

James sat on his new bed, well, his new bed for the next six months and began untying his shoelaces.

"Mister Maslow," A counsler knocked on the door.

Turning to look at her, James dropped both of his shoes to the floor.

"You have a phone call."

Putting his weight to his feet, James stood and followed an unknown woman towards the line of black telephones that hooked to the wall.

"Phone number six."

Nodding to her, James took a deep breath and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" He put the phone to his hear and felt the rough surface scratch his cheek.

"James?" A familar voice asked.

"Who is this?" James leaned back against the wall already knowing who it is.

"It's Cassidy."

"Oh," He licked his lips.

"How are you?" She asked, James could sense something odd in her voice.

"I'm terrible." He blunty admitted. "I feel like shit and i.."

"I get it." She cut him off.

James sighed. "Why did you call me, Cassidy?"

"I called you because," she began playing with her hair. "I wanna be with you."

"Cassidy..." He said, pained.

"Don't 'cassidy' me. I know it took alot to do this and i wanna be by your side throughout everything okay?"

"Cassidy..." He repeated feeling a pain inside his chest. "I'm not even supposed to be talking to you. We shouldn't be together" He brushed a piece of dust out of the corner of his eye.

"What?" She gasped, scared of what he was going to say.

"Don't call here again, Cassidy. I'm the last person you should be talking too."

"No, James! I wanna talk to you. Please, we can get through this."

James could hear how desperate her voice was. She was just as screwed up as he was. "No we can't Cassidy." He bit his lips and felt a tickle in the back of his throat. "I don't love you Cassidy."

Cassidy could hear him begin to cry and Cassidy began crying, too. "Don't say that." She shook her head. "We love eachother. We always have."

"You mean we always will, right?" James wiped his face and look straight ahead, his therapist staring at him. "You need to stop holding on to this relationship that never happened. I've cleared my head and Cass, we don't love eachother."

"God Damn it, James." Tears filled the brim of her eyes and her lip quivered. "Stay with me, we can stay together. This doesn't change anything."

Eyeing his therapist, he motioned his finger for him to come here. "Let me go, Cassidy. Let Me Go."

And with that, the phone disconnected.

* * *

Cassidy grabbed her cell phone dialing the only number she could remember.

"Carlos?" She asked, wiping tears from her eyes. Hearing his recorded voicemail she began crying harder. "Carlos," she repeated sitting in her kitchen with a box of tissues near her. "I need you right now," Tears streamed down her cheeks. "Please," She jumped up, startled when she heard her door bell ring. Shutting her phone she opened it.

"Carlos," She smiled seeing him dressed in a purple hoodie. Both of them ran into eachother's arms as fast as they could. "I need you," She sobbed as she rested her head on his shoulder. "I need you," She repeated crying harder and harder as seconds went by. "Shhh," He rubbed her back. "I'm right here." Slightly pulling away, she grabbed onto the string of his hoodie. "I know," She felt him thumb her tears away.

"I feel so lost without him," She hugged him tighter, never wanted to let go.

He rubbed the back of her neck and began rocking her back and forth.

"Do you wanna go somewhere?" He asked, smiling his heart warming smiles.

Nodding, she giggled out of embarassment of crying. "I'm sorry," She forced a smile on her lips.

"It's okay," He wrapped both of his hands around her cheeks. "Do you wanna go somewhere?"

"No, I don't actually." She sniffled, wiping her tears with the sleeve of her gray sweatshirt. "I wanna stay home."

"Well, i'm staying with you." Walking towards the door he grabbed the doorknob and began rattling it. "Dude, your door is locked."

"What!" She yelled, not believing him. Walking towards the door, she pulled on the doorknob. "Damn it,"

Carlos chuckled. "Only you would lock yourself out of your house."

"Oh, shut up." She giggled, looking for any windows she could reach. "We really are locked out bro. What are we gonna do?"

"Don't know." Carlos looked down. "Hey, doesn't Kendall have a spare key?"

"Oh yeah!" She remembered. "I gave him a key when he helped me move it." She put a hand on her hip; smiling.

"I'll text him." He grabbed out his phone and began searching through his contacts. "I got your voicemail by the way."

"Oh," She looked down sitting down on the steps that lead to the front door of her tiny house.

"I stopped what i was doing and came here."

"You must've been close," She joked. "Unless you were stalking me,"

"Oh yeah Cass, i _so _am stalking you."

"I'm just yaknow," she flipped her hair. "Amazing." She smiled a bright smile.

Both of them looked at eachother and bursted out into laughter.

"You sounded so upset," He gave her a concerned look.

"Yeah," She started dusting her knees off. "I called James and told him that i wanted to be with him and he told me he didn't love me."

Carlos scratched his neck. "I'm sorry. I know everything has been rough on you."

"It's so complicated." She shook her head trying to collect her thoughts together. "it's like, i know that we shouldn't be together but it doesn't matter what happens, i guess i still love him. Or _think_ i love him. I don't even know anymore."

"James, he's complicated. And i think you should focus on yourself." He rubbed his hands together. The temperature had dropped about twenty degrees since early afternoon. Carlos always loved the fall weather. "Don't worry about James and if you guys are gonna be together. If its gonna happen, it'll happen on its own. James is getting help right now and i think him pushing you away is easier for him. Don't give up." He slowly touched her cheek.

"How can you sit here with me and talk about this with me?"

"What do you mean?" He looked at her honestly.

"How can you sit here and hear me talk about James all the time when you clearly like me?"

"I dunno," He blushed, playing with a stick he found on the ground. "I just guess that i hope that one day you'll feel the same way for me eventually."

Cassidy sighed. "I wish things could be easier."

"What do you mean? Like, do you regret being with James?" Carlos raised an eyebrow.

"No, no," She shook her head. "Not at all I just," She bit her lip. "I always wonder what would've happened if i was with you . . . instead of James." She awkwardly avoided his eye contact.

"Yeah well, i do that all the time."

Cassidy giggled. "Really?"

"Yup,"

Smiling to herself, Cassidy began thinking about Carlos. It was one of those feelings where your stomach turns to knots and you have this happiness that you can't express. It was something different, something she didn't have with James and she wasn't sure if she liked it or not. She noticed how Carlos smiled slowly and she found him so adorable. God, he was so cute. _Wait-_ She suddenly thought. _Snap out of it Cassidy, you're supposed to be with James._

"What's your favorite color?" Carlos randomly asked.

"Uh, red."

"It's your lucky day," Carlos pulled his hand from behind his back revealing a small gorgeous red rose.

"Oh My Gosh Carlos," She grabbed it in awe. "It's so pretty."

"Like you," He flirted and Cassidy smiled. "How'd you do that?"

"Magic!"

"Oh really now?" She gave him a look.

"Okay so it wasn't magic but you totally believed me for a second." His attitude was very energetic.

"Not even," She disagreed. "That's your mind playing tricks." She dabbed the rose on his nose causing Carlos to sneeze.

"Aw," She cooed at his sneeze. "You sneeze so cute."

"Okay...?" He joked around. "Girls are weird."

"So are guys. I mean have you seen what you're wearing? Hats underneath a hoodie? What's up with that?"

"Well have you looked at you? What's the point of layering? You must get hot wearing like ten thousand shirts."

"Touche my friend," Cassidy giggled.

"Touche," He repeated.

Batting her eyelashes Cassidy suddenly noticed Carlos' key chain falling out of his pocket. "Carlos, what's this?" Grabbing it she held it up to his face.

"My key chain - _Ohhh. _I forgot. I have a key to your house!"

"Yeah you do!" Jumping up to her feet she searched for her key. "What about Kendall? Should i tell him to not come?"

"Nah," She shook her head. Sticking the key in the lock, she opened the door. "Unless he's lazy."

"Knowing Kendall, he'll be lazy." Grabbing out his phone he texted Kendall before the front door closed.

"So, what do you wanna do?" He asked, following her lead into the kitchen. "I dunno. Chick flick movie marathon or Les Miserables?"

"Hmmm." He thought. "Les Miserables."

"But i hate that movie, play, whatever it is."

Carlos laughed. "Then why did you bring it up?"

"Cause i wanted to sound smart." Grabbing a bag of popcorn from the cabinet she put it in her microwave and set it to the correct timing.

"Boo," He stuck out his tongue. "I guess its the chick flick marathon."

"Yay!" She jumped and cheered in glee. "Nicholas Sparks, here we go."

"God Cass please don't make me watch The Notebook."

"But...But...I love the notebook."

"And you've also seen it a million times."

"Fine," she groaned hearing the microwave beep. Grabbing a huge bowl, she poured the popcorn into the delicious smell consuming the house.

"Ooohhh, I smell popcorn." A familar voice said as the front door opened.

"Hey Kendall," Carlos greeted giving Kendall a high five.

"Hey guys and gals," He smiled when he saw Cassidy.

"Ello," She walked over to her dvd collection and began searching through movies.

"So Carlos," Kendall nudged Carlos' side. "You and Cassidy a couple yet or?" He whispered.

"Nah," He shook his head. "Not yet."

"Not yet what?" Cassidy asked overhearing them.

"He asked if you picked a movie." Carlos lie, smiling with his teeth showing.

"Oh," She looked grabbing one. "I found one!"

The guys turned around on the stool chairs and began eating some of the popcorn. "What about..." She looked at the title. "Dirty dancing?" She suggested.

"I never have seen that movie." Kendall commented.

"Neither have I." Carlos looked at Cassidy who was already putting the movie in her dvd player. "Dirty dancing it is! woot woot!"

"Oh lord," Kendall groaned.

"What?"

Kendall looked at Carlos. "I have a feeling she's one of those girls who talk through an entire movie."

"Hey!" Cassidy yelled. "Dirty dancing is a discussion worthy movie."

"Mhm sure." He joked.

"Shut up and watch the movie." She ordered grabbing the popcorn bowl and putting on the small table in the living room.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"Who could that be?" Carlos asked the guys as he walked to the door.

"Probably Logan." Kendall ate a piece of popcorn.

"And it's Logan!" Carlos beamed, excited and smiley as Logan walked through the door.

"Heeyyy Logan," She smiled and sat on the couch, Kendall following her.

"What are you guys doing?" He asked, feeling like he interupted something.

"Watching Dirty Dancing. Wanna join?"

"Eh, sure." He shrugged and sat on the couch.

"Shh, Shh," Cassidy quieted everyone. "It's starting."

Logan looked at everyone and smiled. He was feeling extremely depressed earlier and didn't know how to handle everything. He decide dhe would go to the store and found himself at Cassidy's house. She did always make someone feel happy when they were down. Which is why all the guys were happy to be around her. Scanning his surroundings, everyone was laughing and having a good time.

Maybe things _were_ getting better already.

But then again he didn't wanna jinx it.

You never know what might happen with a group of friends like them.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

yaayyy! A happy chapter for once, lmfao. I hoped you like thisss onee. Alot is going to be happening in the next few chapters so i hope you are enjoying the story so far. I also added a small lil **carlos & cassidy** moment. Should i make them be together or what? **Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. (;** I also love all the feedback ive been getting from twitter and on here, 9 people following the fanfic? thats alot to me. :)) plus my friend addie made a** trailor for the story** and i uploaded it on my youtube page. it's done very well so checkk ittt outt. (**on my youtube page. username: jackie10154) **so yeah hope you liked this chapter and if you have any **suggestions** or ideas for me lemme know and i'll maybe use it. credit given, of course. Thanks for being my readers. **i love you. xx**

:)


	8. chapter 8

**You can run, **

**you can hide,**

**But sooner or later,**

**It's gonna cut like a knife.**

"It's been three days since the press conference, you guys." Logan brought it to the guys' attention as Carlos, Kendall walked down Hollywood boulevard.

"Yeah Logan, we know." Kendall replied, his voice harsh.

"Don't get mad at me, Kendall." Logan stopped walking and gave off a bitter scoff. "Did you ever think we should notify the fans about this?"

"Logan, they already know." Kendall brushed off his shoulders and looked at Logan. "Everyone knows. Nickelodeon knows, the fans know, our parents know, _everyone_ knows. We don't need to explain ourselves to the fans."

Logan's eyes widened. "Kendall are you-?" He stopped himself then continued. "Of _course_ we have to explain ourselves to the fans!"

Turning on his heel, Kendall rolled his eyes. "They all left anyway."

"Kendall, the fans did _not_ leave." Carlos cleared his throat, crossing his arms against his chest.

"Are you that naive Carlos?" Kendall bit the inside of his cheek.

"Kendall, you should ask yourself that! These fans," Carlos began talking with his hands. "Are very passionate. They aren't going to just forget about us because things get rough."

"Of course they will!" Kendall began screaming throwing his hands in the air. "Fans don't stay forever. We aren't going to be this big forever."

Carlos and Logan looked down, silent.

They knew he was right. Well, half right.

"Yeah? Well have you read your fan mail!" Logan asked. He never would've thought Kendall would give up. He never was that type of person, ever. He fought so much for his goal, Logan didn't understand why he would stop trying now. "These fans, these people, we have helped some of these fans, Kendall. Don't you see that? The fans we've helped they will stay. I'm positive of that. Sure, we've lost fans. We lose fans everyday. You can't just give up because something bad happens."

"You make it sound so easy." Kendall blurted out. "I've put everything in the band and what do i get? We just got fired Logan. _Fired._"

"We don't need Nickelodeon to have a job." Carlos noted.

"yeah," Logan agreed. "We are still signed to Columbia Records."

"Columbia Records?" He raised an eyebrow looking at the two of them. "You think we could make it on our own?"

Both boys nodded with smiles on his face.

"That's . . ." He was about to get a happy thought but Kendall's face fell and he shook his head. "Bullshit. It's bullshit Logan."

"Kendall, where is this coming from!" Carlos felt frustration run through his veins. "You never once have talked like this!"

"Well that was before i lost the one thing i loved more than life." His voice cracked and Kendall turned away from the boys, sitting on a curb. "Music."

"You don't need a big corporate company to make music, Kendall. We have the voices, the motivation, we can do it." Logan put his hand on Kendall's shoulder.

Kendall was lost then, his eyes someplace far away.

* * *

"I don't know what's wrong with him," Logan started, sitting in Kendall's kitchen. He was out on the balcony; getting a clear view of the city.

"Yes you do." Carlos grunted.

Logan looked at Carlos with wide eyes. "What?"

"He's depressed. This band is falling apart so fast . . . we need to get him help before he goes off the deep end." Carlos sighed, scratching behind his ear. "I can tell that you're depressed too," He turned to conversation to Logan who gulped and looked down in shame.'

"I'm not depressed..." Logan started.

"Don't lie, Logan. There's no point in lying."

Shuffling in his seat, the raven haired boy spoke a statement. "I'm not depressed Carlos. Sure i'm upset and bumbed out because of what happened but i believe we can make it. I'm not gonna kill myself or do something crazy because of this." As he spoke, Logan realized what he was saying was the truth. He wasn't starving, he wasn't dying, all that happened was that they got fired. Tons of people got fired everyday and he felt selfish. "I'll be fine."

"You sure?" Carlos squinted his eyes, the sun in his eyes. Grabbing his sunglasses from the table he covered his eyes and looked at Logan more clearly.

"Never been more sure of anything."

* * *

"Okay James," A broader, older woman, gave him a warm smile as she helped him unpack. "It's a policy that i get your cell phone. You cannot have any celluar devices, pagers, or ipods." Rumaging through his pockets, James pulled out all of the essentials she listed.

"Here ya go," he smiled.

"Addie will be here with your breakfast." The woman notified him and James took a big look around at his suroundings. He was in his early twenties and was in a center for emotional and physical abusers. Wow, he certainly did get off track. he remembered when he was younger and had a plan: He would finish high school, move out as soon as he could, get away from parents, move to LA and become famous. It sounded so easy and bulletproof but nothing was easy.

He remembered his days going up which we nothing but happy. His mother had always been hard on him, pushing him to become something successful like a lawyer or doctor. James didn't want that. Of course his mother didn't respect the arts so he moved out at seventeen. That was when he met Cassidy. Everything seemed so easy and simpler then. But that was back when he was a good person.

Flooded memories of Cassidy ran through his mind and he had to admit, he missed her. _Alot._

She was something he definitely took for granted.

Which is why he decided to end it. To give her to someone who could take care of her better than he ever did and Carlos was just the man for that.

He could never hate Carlos for being the better man.

Carlos did try to get James help several times but what could he do? James was stuborn and stuck up. He thought the world revolved around him. He took a deep breath and hoped that this place would change him.

He needed change.

He needed to be a good person again. Like he planned out.

"Hello," A girl dressed in a blue uniform, with a tray filled with breakfast, ranging from scrambled eggs to a glass of orange juice greeted as she walked in. "I'm Addie, i'll be your server."

"Please, no." He swatted his hands in her direction. "I don't want special treatment."

Nodding, the brunette smiled. "Alright. Whatever you say."

She straightened her posture and turned on her heel.

"Wait," he stopped her.

Turning around, she had her hand on her hip.

"Can I get that orange juice?" He smiled.

"Sure," Taking it off the tray she slowly handed the glass to him.

"Thank you," he respectfully thanked her.

"Yaknow," She lookd at him, eyeing an irregular scar on his neck. "My little sister watches your show."

"Really?" He asked, hoping to hear some imput on his social status.

"Yeah." She looked down. "You never did seem like the abusive type."

"Mhmm," He pressed his lips together. "Yeah, there really isn't a 'type' for abusive guys." He shrugged, feeling ashamed.

"Don't feel ashamed." She said, noticing his expression. "You're here, getting help. You realized you have a problem. Most guys just continue to abuse girl after girl after girl and i've seen it." She gave James a warm smile. "You aren't a monster James, okay."

"You weren't there. You didn't see what i did to her."

"Actually, i do. The worst thing you did was throw a vase across the room in an attempt to hit her."

James looked down.

"It isn't a right thing to do but at least you didn't throw her down the stairs or beat her until death like some other clients. I'm not saying that what you did was right but you did better than some of the other guys here."

Nodding in agreement, he looked at the girl. "I guess so." He bit his lip. "What's your name again?"

"Addie." She smiled. "I'm apart of the cleaning service here but i also work part time as a therapist here."

"Oh, alright."

"Yeah."'

"Well, thanks for the advice. I'll definitely take it to heart."

"Good." She smiled and slowly walked out of the room.

When the girl walked out of the room, James automatically realized something. He had been in this program for three days and he hasn't left the room once. He just sat on his bed all day and night and thought about what he did. Like he deserved to be punished, which he did, and he was surprised no charges were made against him. Since he went to this program on his own, his lawyer let the judge know. it all depended on what happened _after_ his treatment, whether he would change or go back to his old ways. James knew that this entire thing would be a working progress but he knew he could do it. James didn't give up and he wouldn't give up on himself.

Grabbing the remote, he turned on the televation to see his face on the screen. Shutting it off, James sighed.

Television, not a good idea.

He couldn't focus when the band's poster was everywhere.

The band.

James hadn't thought about how everyone was doing. He hoped they were going good but you never knew with Carlos, Logan and James.

Grabbing the telephone he dialed his manager's number. His manager was one of the few people he could fall.

"Hey, It's James. Mind giving Carlos, Logan and Kendall a message?"

The person talking back to him, responded with a yes.

"Tell the guys..." he thought. "That it gets better."

Standing outside the door, Addie smiled to herself. She brushed past the room in time to hear the few words he spoke.

"Oh and man, can you send Cassidy some flowers?" He asked, Addie was long gone down the hallway. "I feel horrible for being such an ass to her."

The manager promised to do what was asked, including the flowers, and the soon hung up.

"James," Addie got his attention. Hanging the phone up, James stood up. "You have a visitor."

Getting a big grin on his face, James shoved his hands in his pockets. "Who is it?"

"You're mother."

In less than a second, James' face fell. Clearing his throat, he felt like he could barely speak. He hadn't talked to his mother in years and now she wanted to speak to him?

"Okay," He choked out his voice hoarse sounded like a grumble. "I'll be there in a second."

James faked a smile until the second Addie walked away. Running towards the door, he slammed it shut and his heart began racing abnoramally.

He couldn't face her, he believed. He couldn't face the woman who made his life a living hell.

But he had too, James swallowed his pride. This was where he had too, he couldn't run away from his problems forever.

He brought his fingers to grab to door knob. He began slowly turning it and James found the strength to open it.

"Come with me." A nurse with a name tag he couldn't read told him. "We'll go to the visitors section of the building. C'mon."

* * *

"Hi mom." James forced a smile as he felt the door behind him shut. One hand in his pocket, he felt his mother run up to him and give him a big hug. Pulling away at her touch, he found this complete sitatuion uncomfortable.

"James!" She clapsed her hands around his shoulders. "Oh My Gosh, i have missed you so much."

_Lies,_ James thought as she talked.

"I had no clue you were dealing with so many things!"

_Of course you didn't, you didn't support me half my life._

"yeah..." Pushing he away, he pointed to the chairs the room provided. The room was white, god he was getting annoyed of that color, with a tiled texture all around and it made James unbelievably nervous. "Let's sit down."

Following his order, the short middle-aged woman, she was around forty-nine, with dyed black hair with gray roots shown took a seat next to her son. "How have you been?" She asked.

Wow she looked different, James saw the lines of wrinkles and effects plastic surgery had on her.

"Horrible." He replied, shifting in his seat.

"James," She began and James knew she was going to lecture.

"Mom, just stop." James pushed her hands away from him. "Stop pretending that we have some _great _relationship when we barely speak."

"Well than," Getting his point accrosed she ran a hand through her hair. "Can you tell me on earth why the hell would you hit a woman?

"Oh please," James blurted, pissed. "Don't act like you didn't expect this."

"I didn't!"

"Yeah, right." He was ready to jump up and punch her in the face. He resented his mother. "You abused Ana to death. You made me think that was normal. _Normal._ Guess what mom? You fucked me up."

"Don't bring Ana into this-"

"No mom," He cut her off. His eyes softened at his younger sister's name being said. "You killed Ana."

Shaking her head in disagreement, his mother was about to say something but James didn't give her the chance.

"You killed your own child. You thought that you could control dad too, didn't you? That's why he left us. And that, that my friend, is why i left when i was seventeen. You fucked me up, mom. You just can't admit it. You can't. Which i don't understand why. Are you proud of that?"

"Of course not!" She screamed tears falling down her face, her words bouncing off the walls in a echo.

"Why on earth would i be proud of that?" Her face fell in her hand and James shook his head. He had no sympathy for her. He could remember seeing the ambulance pulling up in the driveway and his small to year old sister getting pulled out on a stretcher.

"I don't know. Why on earth would you abuse your child? And why on earth would you force your own children to watch?" Spitting words out of rage he jumped out of his seat and ran to the door, banging on it.

"Leave mom," he told her not looking behind him. "I want nothing to do with you."

The door unlocked and James pushed back security and he walked all the way to his room not caring that his mom was sobbing behind him.

* * *

**Author's note:** Hellooo. :) I hope you liked this chapter. Are you surprised to know that James saw his mother abuse his little sister when he was younger? Of course that is fiction, hellur, this whole story is fiction. I always noticed that James never really talks about his mom. He always talked about how his dad supported him when he moved out when he was seventeen but you never hear anything about his mother. I always thought that something happened between the two or something but you never really know with James. He does keep his life private and all. But yeah, what about Kendall? Do you think he'll cheer up? And i added a new character, addie. Possibly love interest for once of the boys? hm? I have alot planned for the rest of the fanfic. I hope you all like it and tell other people about it. The rest of the story is going to be James basically in the treatment center and cassidy and the boys back in LA. The center is miles away from LA and i hope you see how the two "worlds" to say chance and collide at the same time. Anyway, thanks for reading! TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY. I'm a roll. Please review. They motivate and inspire me.


	9. chapter 9

**The damage is done,**

**The police are coming too slow now.**

**I would have died,**

**_I would have loved you all my life._**

James grabbed all of his clothes and began packing the things he needed. Three months in treatment he was allowed to go back home for easter to see everyone.

He walked over to the mirror and gazed at his reflection.

A feeling inside of him made him want to stay instead of leaving.

He had learned so many things in this place. It was practically his home. He grabbed a comb from the dresser on his left and began running it through his hair.

Addie, the beautiful brunette he met during his darkest times, knocked the door before walking inside.

"Hey," She smiled.

"Hey," He replied, his face emotionless.

Sliding his comb inside his pocket, he grabbed his luggage by the handle and walked towards Addie sending a sweet kiss to her lips.

James knew how horrible this looked.

Him giving Addie a kiss on the lips when he knew Cassidy had been waiting for him. But James couldn't explain this. It was something that happened without expecting it.

"You ready to go to the airport?" She asked, latching her hand in his.

"Yeah," He lied. "I am." His face was pensive, his shoulders sagged, like he was carrying a weight he hadn't been carrying before.

There we so many pros and cons to James' actions. Pros; he like it was easier to talk to Addie than Cassidy. And since he was becoming a changed man, it felt easier to be with addie than be with cassidy and re-open old wounds. Cons; he knew it was wrong. He felt guilty because of it but he ignored it half the time.

"Good," She opened the door for him as he walked in front of her.

_I'm not ready for this. _

* * *

Cassidy woke up the sound of birds chirping outside and the loud sound of the guys playing video games on her huge flat screen tv. Putting weight on her feet, she stood to her feet and walked into the livingroom. Her hair unbrushed and light red lines on her skin from the fabric of the bed.

"Well,well,well looks like sleeping beauty finally woke up." Kendall teased, looking at Cassidy from the corner of his eyes.

"Ha ha ha." She said sarcastically and walked to her kitchen, grabbing a bowl, spoon and a box of cereal.

"Where's Carlos?" She asked, pouring coacoa puffs into the tiny red bowl.

"Shower." Logan replied as she poured the milk in.

"Why is he in the shower?" She asked, forgetting about today's plans.

Logan paused the game, taking a deep breath. The four friends had been throat alot in the past three months. Especially Cassidy. She had gotton so depressed and upset about not being with James that they each took turns spending the night at her house just incase nothing happened. She had gotten better, _very_ better. The guys were impressed and happy to finally be able to see her smile again.

"Cassidy, don't you remember?" Logan asked.

"We're seeing James today for easter." Kendall bluntly interupted, suddenly regretting saying it so loudly without the consideration of her feelings.

"Oh," She grabbed her spoon and took a bite of her breakfast. "I forgot." She looked at Kendall and Logan who both frowned.

They didn't expect her to take it so well.

Breaking through the conversation, Carlos walked down the stairs in a red t-shirt, jeans, shoe-less he wore his white "obey" hat which he loved very much."Morning guys," he smiled and Cassidy instantly glowed at the sight of him.

You would have been an idiot to not notice how incredibly close Carlos and Cassidy got in the past few weeks. They always flirted, they even slept together. No intercourse happened but Carlos always loved holding her in his arms, her head on his chest, and the ability to talk about anything and everything. They occasionally held hands and kissed eachother on the cheeks taking everything slow since Carlos knew she wasn't completely over James. Carlos knew that the situation with Cassidy and James was incredibly sensitive. They had tallked about it, cried about it, but nonetheless knew the relationship wasn't right for her. He knew that, she knew that, which was why she felt like today was the day to finally see James and talk to him about if they were going to end the relationship or stay together. That made Cassidy feel guilty for stringing Carlos along but she knew that nothing was ever going to be the same after today.

"Morning," Logan and Carlos greeted, their eyes glued to the tv screen.

"Hi," Carlos smiled a big grin, standing face to face with Cassidy.

"Hi," She smiled, eating a spoonful of her cereal. "You look spiffy," She commented not being able to take her eyes off of him.

"Thanks. And you look..." He eyed her up and down.

"Like i wreck. I know, i know." She finished his sentence.

"I wasn't gonna say that,"

"Oh really?" She smirked. "What were you going to say?"

"Something along the lines of decent?" He shrugged.

Laughing, Cassidy rolled her eyes. "I really do need to go get changed."

Finishing her bowl of cereal, she put it in the sink and said to Carlos "I'll be back," before walking up the stairs.

Carlos found himself staring at her ass as she walked up the stairs.

"Carlos!" Kendall jumped up waving his hand in his face snapping Carlos out of his daze.

"Yeah?" He suddenly got dizzy but went back to normal.

"Dude, you're so whipped." Logan snorted, grabbing an apple from the bottom drawer.

Carlos didn't bother to disagree he just nodded and looked at his two best friends.

"So," Kendall smiled. "Have you asked her out yet?"

"Nope," Carlos said, his voice lower than he expected.

"Kissed?" Logan asked.

"Nope," Carlos let out a laugh when he looked at his friends expression. "We're taking it slow alright? The whole James thing is sensitive to her and i don't wanna force her to just automatically get over him because i know it doesn't work that way."

"But Carlos," Kendall looked down. "You do realize that she could pick James over you?"

"Nah," Carlos shook his head. "That won't happen."

"How do you know?" Logan asked.

"Because there is no _way_ i'm gonna put her in that position again. Sure James is getting help but you never know if he is gonna change or not."

"Carlos!" Everyone heard Cassidy scream.

"Yeah?" He screamed back, loud enough to irritate Kendall's and Logan's eardrums.

"Come here!"

"Alright," He said in his regular voice and walked up the stairs. "Where are you?" He asked, his hands in his pockets.

"In here,"

Carlos followed her voice into her bedroom clothes scattered all over her bed and some parts of the floor. Her back was turned to him when he walked in and he noticed how beautiful she looked. Her long gorgeous hair sat on her shoulders, she must've curled it, he noticed. She wore a knee length ivory dress that curved perfectly around her hips. She wore matching heels and smile as she saw Carlos in the mirror.

"Hey, I can't zip this dress up all the way. Can you help me?" She turned around, facing him.

After a second he finally spoke. "Yeah," He smiled. "Yeah, I'll help you." Carlos walked directly towards her, kicking shirts and pants with his feet he made his way to her. She turned around and Carlos grabbed the zipper pulling it straight up, the back of the dress closed.

"Thank you," Cassidy said and felt a sour taste in her mouth.

"Anytime,"

"I don't mean for the dress," She turned around looking in his brown eyes. "Thanks . . for everything." Her eyes softened and they became noticably glossy.

"What do you mean?" He asked, a bit scared of how this conversation might end.

Sighing, she pushed hair back against her shoulder away from her neck. "For making sure I was okay and dealing with the whole James situation. I'm not sure if i would've made it if it wasn't for you."

"No need to thank me." He put a hand on her shoulder.

"No," She shook her head. "I need too. You saw me at my worst and you're why i'm at my best."

Carlos couldn't help but smile. "Why are you saying this?"

"Because," she grabbed onto her necklace for a second than looked back at him. She paused for a few seconds feeling a tickle in her throat. "I have spent countless nights crying, thinking it was the end of the world and i...i just thought that my life was over just because James said he didn't want me." Carlos listened intently, not saying a word. "And i realized something the other night..." She covered her face trying not to cry. "I was never in love with him."

Carlos' eyes widened.

"I was in love with the _idea_ of love and i... Carlos i'm, i'm in love with you. It's always been you."

He felt Cassidy take his hand and Carlos took a step, getting closer to her. "I've been an idiot and so selfish to string you along for someone who was never there for me. You were always there for me and because of you, i'm happy i'm alive."

Carlos cleared his throat. "I... I don't know what to say."

"You don't need to say anything." Turning her back to him, she looked at her reflection one more time. Grabbing a necklace out of a drawer she handed it to him. "Put this on me, please?"

Carlos grabbed the chain from her palm and slowly wrapped it around her neck, clicking it shut. Pulling her hair to the way she wanted it she turned around.

Carlos felt like he was going to be sick. He had wanted this to happen for so many weeks, months even, and he wished he could say what he wanted too. But he couldn't. He found himself tongue-tied and well... _stuck._ He smiled at how one of his songs had represented his emotions right now. "I love you," He said, clasping his hands around her cheeks. "I've loved you since the very first time I saw you." Smiling underneath his hands, Cassidy looked into his bright brown eyes. "Can I..." He looked down. "Can I... kiss you?" He asked, licking his lips. He wasn't sure if this entire thing was just a dream or reality.

Nodding, she smiled feeling one tear trickle down her cheek.

Carlos automatically pressed his lips against hers, feeling one of his biggest dreams come true. As their lips collided into deep kisses, Carlos felt like he was the most happiest guy in the world. Their lips slowly pulled apart and they both looked at eachother.

"Come here," He smiled, picking her up by her hips she wraped her legs around his waist. Giggling, she smiled and felt Carlos sit her body down on her dresser.

Re-attaching their lips, Carlos kissed with everything in him, sliding his tongue in her mouth. She kissed back, tightening her legs around his waist. Cassidy ran her fingers up and down his chest tugging at his shirt.

"No," he stopped her. "We have to go to the airport."

"I don't care about the airport," She honestly said biting her lip. "I love you," she breathed. "More than life."

Carlos caressed her cheek, kissing it right after. He pushed her away, distancing himself from her.

"I know," He smiled. "And i feel the exact same way."


	10. chapter 10

**It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't **  
**It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed **  
**Some prayers find the answer, some prayers never know **  
**We're holding on, and letting go.**

As soon as everyone got to the airport you could feel how anxious everyone was. Wind whipped through everyone's hair but gave a calming effect. Cassidy repeatedly told herself to calm down and that it was time to move on. She knew she couldn't live her life thinking that James was going to change. Sure, he could get better but no one was perfect. Especially James.

Carlos noticed Cassidy's tense expression and gave her a hand a squeeze.

Smiling in response, she mouthed a simple "i love you."

Logan and Kendall looked at eachother not knowing what to expect. The entire situation had affected Kendall the most but once he gave it enough thought, he was alright with his life. He was happy with being who he was. That's what he realized all along. He always knew he had fans with him even if it seem he didn't and that's what made him believe in himself more than anything.

Logan couldn't find anything to say. Everything happened so fast. He was just regular kid with a dream one day and the next he was on hundreds of t-shirts and he heard everyone shouting his name. They were on the peak of their high of being Big time Rush and one announcement changed it. He never hated James for being honest but it changed him in a more positive way. It gave him a motivation to be there for his friends like he had never been before.

"It's hot," Carlos mumbled a complaint.

Everyone looked at him then back at the door waiting for James' arrival.

The door suddenly opened and everyone held their breath.

James walked into the room, everyone expecting him to be alone, but behind everyone noticed a tiny petite brunette behind him.

Cassidy gasped at the sight of the two of them. Carlos and Kendall exchanged confused glances.

"He didn't tell us he was bring a guest." Logan said, the creases in his forehead shown.

**Cassidy POV**

_Whoa. _

He brought a girl with him.

Gulping i looked at both of them and James was smiling as he looked at everyone. His face fell once he reached mine. "Cassidy," he breathed, pain. I bet he forgot i even existed.

Dropping my hand from Carlos' i didn't say anything.

"Who is this lovely young lady?" Logan asked, unaware of the tension in the room.

"Everyone," James cleared his throat. He tried to his best to look away from me but you could tell by the look in his eyes he couldn't. "This is Addie . . . my . . ." he hesitated before finishing. "girlfriend."

As soon as he finished, all eyes were on me.

"When did you guys start dating?" Kendall asked, gulping.

"Three months ago."

Anger shot through my system and i scoffed. "Are you kidding me?" I said, shocked at the sound of my own voice.

"Cassidy..." Carlos started.

"No." I shook my head and walked over to the brunette who looked scared. "Do you know who I am?" I asked, my voice calmer.

"Yes," She said, her eyes glued to the ground. She knew; She knew i was the girl he abused.

"Oh My God . . ." I said, unable to process what was happening. I turned to James who couldn't look me in the eye. "Do you even know what you put my through?" I asked him, my voice was shaky.

"Cassidy, stop." He warned, gritting his teeth.

"No, don't tell me to stop." I looked at him with such anger.

I was so hurt. So betrayed. I know it shouldn't matter because I was with Carlos but it still hurt.

"You told me that you didn't want me, do you not remember that? You told me on the phone that you wanted nothing to do with me. Do you know that i've spent countless hours crying over you?"

James looked down.

"You made me wanna die. I mean God, i stayed faithful to you James. Were you that ashamed of yourself to just move on to the next girl?"

"You're a hypocrite, Cassidy. How can you be mad at me when you're with Carlos?"' He spat, i almost forgot the sound of his voice.

"Because," I ran my fingers through my hair. "I stayed faithful to you. I never once kissed him ever while you were gone. But _you?_ You walk in here holding some girls hand? Why? Are you trying to rub it in my face that you have a new girlfriend or something?"

"Of course not." He cut me off. "_It was easier to be with her than you."_

I felt my throat close up the second he spoke those words. His words cut my like a knife.

"You..." I started and wiped away my tears. "Are such a horrible person."

"Cassidy..." Carlos said again and i looked at him. Ignoring him, i stopped crying and got angry. More angry as time passed.

"I'm leaving," I announced and turned on my heel. "And don't follow me." I said before walking towards the exit.

**James POV**

I looked around me to see Kendall and Logan staring at me. Carlos of course ran after Cassidy and i looked at Addie, who barely looked up every now and then.

"You guys," I started and Kendall shot me a dirty look.

"James, did you really have to bring your new girlfriend with?"

"I wanted her to meet you guys..." My cheeks reddened.

"Yeah, James bright idea. Bring your new girlfriend to meet your old girlfriend who you abused." Logan sarcastically rolled his eyes.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice cracking.

"It doesn't matter anymore James. What's done is done. You really hurt Cassidy and i don't even think you care to realize how much you did."

"Of course i do!" I yelled at Kendall. "You don't know how badly i missed her."

"Sure you did. While she was crying over you you were getting laid by some chick." Logan interupted and turned on his heel following Carlos' lead of walking away.

**NO POV**

"Cassidy, Cassidy," Carlos repeated her name; Stopping her by grabbed her wrist twisting her body around. "What's wrong? I mean, why are you so upset?"

"Because," she dusted herself off. "I spent three months in a living hell and he spent the entire time with some girl."

"Cassidy," he repeated grabbing both of her shoulders. His voice was different, it wasn't angry or upset, it was comforting. "Why does that matter?"

"What?" She asked breathless.

"Why does that matter?" He smiled and Cassidy found herself doing the same once he grabbed her left hand intwining their fingertips. "You aren't with him. You're with me. James, it doesn't matter what he does okay?"

"Okay," she looked down and back up, feeling foolish. "I just got upset."

Carlos laughed. "I know, i was there."

Logan and Kendall ran up behind Cassidy and they had odd expression on their faces. "You okay?" They asked in unision.

"Yeah," She lied half heartedly. "I'm fine."

From a distance, James leaned back against a wall watching the scene from a distance. He rubbed his hand through his newly shaven short hair and put his hands in his pocket.

Walking towards the guys Logan looked at Cassidy and whispered "Here he comes," and cleared his throat.

James walked towards the group and felt their eyes peer in on him. "Cassidy," he started. "Can i talk to you?"

"No," she shook her head, disgusted in him. "You can't."

"Why not?" He asked, feeling a tickle in his throat.

"Because," she felt a tickle in her own throat. "I hate you,"

* * *

Walking into James vacant apartment, the same spot where James told Kendall, Logan and Carlos his news, James felt a rush of cold air. Cassidy being last in line, the three guys and an awkward Addie walked into the kitchen; Carlos automatically grabbed an apple out of the fridge.

James circled around his entire house noticing everything was how he left it.

"Cassidy," He calmly said, taking self control. "Can I talk to you?"

Sitting on the couch watching an old episode of 'Friends' she shook her head. "No."

Everything was starting to boil inside of James. He had learned so many things at counseling but it felt like all that education slipped out his mind. "No!" He screamed on the top of his lungs, flipping a small table over with his bare hands.

A loud gasp erupted from Cassidy as she lifted her knees to her chest.

"I did this for _you!" _He yelled in her face. She didn't look him in the face but that didn't stop him. "I went to counseling for you!" He babbled. "And now you don't wanna talk to me? How dare you -"

James was stopped mid-sentence by Logan and Kendall running at James full speed pinning him by his waist against a wall. A loud thud bouncing off the walls. Kendall and Logan stared at eachother bewildered at the sight.

"Carlos," Logan said to him. "Get Cassidy out of here." He instructed.

James relaxed underneath Kendall and Logan's touch and that was where he knew he crossed the line.

Cassidy, shaken by the entire thing, sat in the same position she did a few seconds. Carlos walked over to her, pulling her in his arms.

"Cassidy..." James breathed, pained, while Carlos walked Cassidy away from him. "I'm sorry," he aplogized but both of them were already out the door.

* * *

"Cassidy," Carlos rubbed Cassidy's cheek while her eyes were in a different direction. Carlos already put her in the passenger seat of his car. He grabbed the seatbelt and pulled it out her waist, buckling it shut. "Cassidy," he repeated and she finally snapped out of her thoughts and looked at him. "Are you okay?" He touched her shoulders and neck. "Did he touch you?"

"No," She lowered his hands from her body. "He didn't touch me. And i'm fine."

Carlos gave her a concerned look.

"I'm fine. Really."

Carlos nodded and stood up on his feet softly closing the car door. Walking around the car, he sat in the driver's seat and put his seat belt on. Turning to her as fast as he could, he grabbed her chin and pushed strands of her hair out of her face with his thumb. "I'm so sorry that happened."

"It's alright," She shrugged his fingers off of her. "I'm fine."

"No, you aren't find Cassidy. He flipped a table over and was screaming in your face."

"Yeah but," she thought for a second, batting her eyelashes. "I'm not bleeding." She pointed out. "None of my bones are broken. Sure, i'm shaken up but i'm fine. I promise."

"Okay," he believed her. "Okay," He looked out of both his review mirrors and put his key in the ignition.

"Where are we going?"

"Someplace only we know." Cassidy opened her mouth to object but Carlos grabbed her by the cheeks pulling her into a chaste kiss.

* * *

Logan and Kendall let go of James and Kendall felt sweat fall down his forehead. "James," he spoke, out of breath. "What the hell was that?"

"I don't know." He replied, saying the truth. "I must've lost control."

"Well, you can't do that here James." Logan reminded him. "We're people with beating hearts..."

"You don't think I know that?" He cut him off, his voice scaring all of them. "Like i said, i lost control." He looked at Kendall. "It won't happen again."

Kendall looked at his feet, not saying a word.

"I think we should go back to the center." Addie said, speaking up. "You need to be there right now. Not here."

Kendall and Logan eyed eachother, speaking without words, they both nodded in agreement.

"She's right." Logan said and James walked over to the table he flipped, picked it up, and put it back to its natural setting. Sitting on the couch, he felt the warmth from underneath it. _Cassidy,_ he thought. "But," his voice was pained. "I'm trying."

"We know James, we know." Logan and Kendall sat on both sides of him. "But you need to try harder. You can't just flip tables and intimidate someone because they don't wanna talk to you."

James sighed, trying not to cry. "But i'm trying," he repeated. "Isn't that good enough?" He looked at both of his friends.

"I'm afraid not." Addie said and James knew she was right.


	11. chapter 11

**Something is said  
it sits in my head  
It´s been there too long,  
its killing me slow  
It´s rolling around  
It´s pushing me down  
It´s keeping the good part of me closed**

While Carlos and Cassidy drove along the wrong Cassidy's phone was ringing off the hook.

Keeping her face neutral, she grabbed her phone out of her back pocket and unlocked her phone.

Almost twenty messages flooded her inbox.

**From James**

**To: Cassidy.**

_Babe... i'm sorry i did that._

_Don't hate me, please._

_I'm trying to change okay? I know what i did was horrible just please, talk to me._

_I still love you._

_I know i'm the last person you would wanna talk to, but i feel so lost without you._

_I'm on my way to the airport..._

_Just one call. I know it was a total idiot to think i could possibly be with Addie when we weren't even over yet._

Cassidy sighed, pressing the reply button she looked out the window.

**To: James**

**From: Cassidy.**

_James, we are over._

* * *

Sitting in his limo, James texted Cassidy multiple times. He needed to talk to her. To apologize; though this time was one of the rare moments when he was honest.

The sound of his phone vibrating made him jump up in excitement. His chest rose up and down in a fast pase but once he laid his eyes on his phone, his face fell.

_James, we are over._

Shaking his head, he smirked, getting an idea.

Typing on his phone he smiled to himself as it sent. He knew she couldn't resist him.

* * *

**To: Cassidy**

**From: James**

Can i at least get an official goodbye?

Cassidy's eyes widened and she looked at Carlos in the driver's seat. His eyes were glued on the road, he checked his mirrors randomly and made sure he was following the correct speed limit.

**To: James**

**From: Cassidy**

Where?

James smiled and replied.

**To: Cassidy**

**From: James**

_Some place only we know._

* * *

Carlos pulled into the driveway of a small, empty, building. Grafitti written all over the walls. Both Carlos and Cassidy stepped out of his car, slamming the door shut.

Carlos grabbed his car keys locking it.

"Cassidy, you're gonna -" He went to grab her hand but stopped mid sentence when he saw James standing right in front of him.

"James," he mumbled. "What are you doing here?"

Cassidy's breath tightened in her throat when James' eyes laid on her.

The air in the room was so thick, not even a knife would've been able to cut through it.

"I wanna talk to Cassidy," he smiled.

Cassidy's shoulders fell, her stomach clenching and unclenching unpleasantly, everything inside of her numbing. "It's okay," She finally spoke, letting Carlos know it was okay. "I asked him to meet us here."

"Why?" Carlos yelled. He couldn't understand why she would ask him to meet her here. After what happened today, he thought she was crazy.

"I'm officially ending this," she mumbled so soft she didn't know if Carlos heard her or not.

As Cassidy walked near James she felt her stomach drop. A part of her partially wasn't officially over him yet. "Hey," She whispered a calm expression on her face. She was messing with her finger nails, dried nail polish was falling off her finger tips.

"Hey," he forced a smile on his lips. It faded while he licked his lips.

"James," she started, feeling her hands begin to shake. "I know why you wanted to meet me here." Looking down she felt tears begin to form in the crack of her eyelids. "And i'm here to tell you to forget about me."

James' entire mood changed and he opened his mouth to talk. "W-What?" He stuttered, feeling as if the world was crashing down on him.

She grabbed his hands, interlacing their fingers together, and gazed into his hazel eyes that had a swirl of brown in them. "I know that you still love me, and i still love you, too, but you need to stop coming back for me."

"What?" His voice loudened while his head began throbbing.

"You need to forget about me. Forget about all that we had because James we're never gonna back to that."

"Where is this coming from?" He looked at her in disbelief. "You said you forgave me..."

"I did forgive you," she pointed out. "I just didn't forget everything that happened between us."

"But i'm still in love you." He blurted, the icy air surrounding both of them.

"I'm not," She cleared her throat and James gulped trying his best to process what was happening.

"Are we..." He looked down before continueing, tears falling down his cheeks. "Over? As in never gonna be together again?"

She nodded finally giving him closure. "Yeah," she wiped her eyes. "We're officially over."

Sighing James wiped his eyes; he didn't know what to say.

"I can't believe this..." He looked at her.

"Believe it," She let go of his hands. Turning to Carlos, she nodded, signaling that it was time to leave. Carlos sat in the car putting his key in the ignition. Cassidy turned on her heel and James' eyes widened. "Cassidy, wait!" He begged but she got in the car anyway.

"Cassidy, don't go! Don't leave me."

The car was already backing out of the driveway. "Cassidy!" he screamed louder this time, his throat hurting afterwards.

Cassidy bowed her head down against the door not being able to look at him. He kept repeating her name and that made it harder for her to drive away. She wanted to jump out of the car and run into his arms but what would that accomplish? She didn't wanna go back to her old life. She sat up straight while they drove past a red light and were finally off the street. She looked at Carlos who hadn't said a word since they got into his car and she sighed. Was he feeling the same thing she was?

"Are you okay?" She asked, pulling her seatbelt over her chest buckling it shut. "Yeah," he nodded, his voice had no unpleasant tones in it. "I'm fine. I'm just happy that is over with." "It'll never be over with," She groaned and tugged on the sleeve of her shirt. "He's gonna be in denial for awhile mostly because i have never fully commited to leaving him before. He'll eventually realize that we're over and move on... it isn't gonna be easy..." A smile rose on her lips when she felt Carlos touch her hand latching their fingers together. "That's why you have me. Our relationship will never be perfect and i've accepted that." Cassidy felt Carlos thumb circles on her knuckles. "No relationship is perfect." She rolled her eyes and Carlos turned off to the side of the road. "I need to know something," He said, gulping down some saliva that was in the back of his throat. "Yeah?" She looked at him and pulled her hand away. Carlos unbuckled his seatbelt and got in a more comfortable position. "Are you _ready_ to be with me?" Cassidy looked down, shrugging. "I know it's good for me and i love you."

"Don't be with me because i'm a good choice, Cassidy. Be with me because you love me and wanna be with me." Cassidy leaned closer to him, her face emotionless. "I love you," she admitted. "I just don't wanna get hurt again." Carlos gazed into her eyes. "I can't promise that i won't lie to you. I just can't because i lie all the time and hurt people on accident. But the way James hurt you, i would never do the things he did. The only way i would touch you is if i were to kiss your pain away." Carlos pressed his knuckle against her cheek, her face warming against the contact of his flesh. "I don't trust easily, i'm different now." She looked into his brown eyes and he nodded. "We all are." He licked his lips, also the roof of his mouth. "But i'm not gonna let that stop me."

"I meant everything i said earlier today," She reasurred him. "I'm lucky to have you. Beyond grateful." He shyly smiled getting closer than before, he leaned his forehead against hers. "I'm grateful to have you too," Carlos replied and he felt Cassidy wrap her hands around the back of his neck. "Be with me," He asked and her eyes widened. "What?" "I said," he pulled her closer their lips almost touching. "be with me. Cassidy Jones, will you be my girlfriend?" Her cheeks flushed and she gently pecked his lips. "Yes, even though i'm not sure how the press will react." She joked.

"Screw the press," He kissed her again. "All i know is that i love you."

Laughing against his kiss, Cassidy grabbed the collar of his shirt slowly pulling it down a button poping off. Their lips reconnected as they passionately kissed eachother."I've always loved you." He murmured, pecking the skin just under her chin gently before sucking on her soft spot. Moaning, she arched her back, her teeth sinking into his bottom lip. "Carlos..." She breathed out, the intensity between them multiplying by a hundred.

Most likely leaving a mark, Carlos moved back up, releasing her hands as he placed each of his own beside her head, keeping him balanced as he stared into her eyes. Not even saying a word, he remained calm, his inhalation rigid. "Make love to me," She asked and Carlos turned off the engine. "Now?" "It's crazy," she leaned forward, she was practically on top of him. "But i want you. Now."

Carlos suddenly pushed back his seats falling on his back in the back of the car, Cassidy falling on top of him. "I love you so much." He whispered in her ear. Smiling after hearing his words, she kissed his lips loving the feeling of having his hands all over him. Slipping his tongue in her mouth, he kissed her with as much passion as he could. Swapping saliva he loved her taste. He tugged at the bottom of her shirt, slowly lifting it off her body he threw it to the ground beneath him. Cassidy took off Carlos' shirt next feeling him sent sweet kisses down her neck.

Moaning against his touch, she pushed him back for a second kicked off her shorts leaving her in nothing but her bra and underwear. "You're so beautiful," he whispered against her ear. She sat on his lap and felt Carlos' hands run up and down her body tugging at her clothing every chance he could. Her bra suddenly dropped to the floor and Carlos licked his lips. Grabbing her by the hips he flipped his body around bringing him to the dominant role.

Breaking apart from the kiss, Carlos began trailing kisses down her neck causing a soft moan to escape her lips. Taking this as my opportunity to undo the button and zipper on his pants, She tugged them down enough so that Carlos could kick them off. When he did, she roamed her hands all over his body, up and around his back, against his arms, feeling the toned skin underneath her fingers.

Taking hold of her, Carlos surged his mouth against hers and in one swift movement, he was inside of her. A soft gasp emitted from his lips due to his lack of sexual favors as she stifled a cry that was forming at the pit of her throat. Pressing her feet against the backseat of the car, her toes curling from the perception, Cassidy dug her nails into his back, moaning loudly, Carlos' hard, determined movements against her growing with each thrust.

Cassidy's tongue searched his, her hands on every inch of his body, her lips soon following. "You feel so fucking good," She mumbled against his chest as he continued his thrusts.

An hour later, Carlos slowly rubbed the side of Cassidy's head causing a calming effect. His muscular arms wrapped around her body as she curled on top of him. She suddenly sat up straight once she realized what they did an hour before. "Carlos," She shook his shoulder while scanning her eyes around the car looking for her shirt. Carlos didn't budge; Pushing and nudging him his finally woke up with a yawn. Rubbing his eyes he sat up as well. "What?" He was half asleep.

"What time is it?" Sliding her shirt over her torso she looked at him. A big grin on her lips.

Carlos rubbed his eyes pulling his boxers up his legs he grabbed his jeans and began searching through the pockets. Finding it, he unlocked his phone and looked at the time. "It's four thirty one." He said pulling her into a kiss.

"I think we should get going..." She awkwardly giggled when she saw Carlos looking at her.

"What's so funny?" He grabbed his shirt and pulled it around his shoulders.

"Nothing..." She shook her head, a smile framing her face. Both of them were fully clothed and she ran a hand through her hair not realized how messy and curly it had gotten. Opening up the car door next to her she stepped out re-positioning herself in the passenger seat. Carlos also sat in the driver's seat and he looked at Cassidy with a loving gaze. "I love you," he kissed her cheek. Smiling underneath his kiss she looked at him, grinning. "I love you more, baby. So much." Both of them smile eachother and it was as if a lightning fire started because of the amount of energy between the two of them. "Last night was amazing..." She shyly said and Carlos grabbed her hand sending a sweet kiss to her knuckles. "I agree," he looked at her.

Breaking the gaze, Carlos cleared his throat and grabbed his keys sticking them in the ignition. "Let's go home, baby girl." He kissed her temple before stepping on the gas unaware that people with cameras were watching the entire time.

* * *

"Breaking news from E! News, it looks like Carlos Pena Jr from Big time Rush is in love." The newscaster started playing the pictures of Carlos kissing Cassidy on the hand and cheek. "The boyband which is in the works of progressing again since bandmate James Maslow was abusive to his girlfriend and has been getting help for the last three months. The girl Carlos is with, Cassidy Jones, dated James Maslow for over three years but ended the relationship once James entered counseling. Don't you think its weird that she leaves James and three months later? No worries, a rep from the band states that Carlos and Cassidy fell in love even before James went to counseling, even before people knew about James' abusive behavior."

"They do look happy," The co-newscaster commented and the host smiled as well. "This has been E! News. Check us out online and on twitter for more updates."

Kendall paused the tv, the remote shakily in his hand. "How the hell do these paparazzi find us man?"

"Not sure," Logan said sitting next to him on the couch. "But as least it's good news."

"True," Kendall bit his lip. "So much drama has happened since the band ended yaknow?"

"I know Kendall. I was there." He sarcastically joked.

"Ha ha ha." He rolled his eyes and threw the remote to the side. "Aren't you funny?"

"Sure am, I'm a genuis." Logan muffled out a laugh and Kendall shook his head softly. Everything was finally going back to normal. Kendall wasn't depressed anymore, he was just in a sad state. Logan was finally laughing and throwing sarcastic jokes like he used too. He hadn't spoken to James since last night since he assumed he was already back at the center.

A knock on the door caught the guy's attention. Kendall raised an eyebrow, the guys basically lived at Cassidy's house. No one really knew her address; only a few people had her trust. Standing to his feet, Kendall peered through the peephole to see a rather shott girl, around five' one at the least. She waited patiently unaware that Kendall was looking at her.

"It's some girl," he said to Logan and opened the door. "Hello," He smiled to the girl who had a cheery expression already. "Hi, uh, Is Cassidy Jones here?"

"Nooo," Kendall slowly responded. "Why?"

"I went to high school with her and i'm writing an article for..."

"Look, Cassidy isn't talking to the press or reporters." kendall cut her off.

"I'm not working with the press and i'm not a reporter either." She stood up straight.

"Then what are you?" Logan stepped beside Kendall entering the conversation.

Putting a hand against the door, she took a deep breath. "I'm a journalist. I work for the Woman's Abuse Assosiation and I wanted to ask Cassidy to be a representative for abused women."

"Look, I don't know what you want but Cassidy is not gonna sponsor some abuse organization. She would rather deal with this by herself." Kendall went to close the door but the lady pushed the door, preventing it from closing. "Please," she begged and Kendall gave her a sympathetic look. "My sister was abused by her boyfriend and she died. I just wanna help alright?" She dusted her shoulders off and Logan and Kendall exchanged look. "I'll talk to Cassidy okay?" He saw her smile. "What's your name?"

"Lauren," she breathed heavily. "I'm Lauren Drozdik."

"Well, Lauren," Kendall smiled as he said her name. "I will definitely let her know you came by."

"Thank you." She stuffed her hand in her pocket puling out a small buisness card. "Here's my number, thank you guys. This could be my big break."

Closing the door, Kendall grinned to himself. A part of him inside wanted to keep the number for himself but knew it was for Cassidy so he slipped it in his pocket.

"Kendall," Logan groaned. "I know that look."

Kendall's face fell. "What look?"

"You like her!"

"Do not." Kendall disagreed and walked to a small closet door and grabbed two towels and a spare change clothes out of his duffel bag. "If you excuse me, i'm gonna go take a shower." He shot Logan a look and stepped into the bathroom.

* * *

It's been one week since the altercation/break up with Cassidy and James sighed to himself as he sat face to face with his therapist. He had barely talked to her; he spent most of his time with Addie and that was hurting him rather than helping.

"Hi James," She greeted him a notebook and clip board sitting in her lap. "You broke down last week when you went to visit your victim is that correct?"

James shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He didn't like the choice of words they used here. Words like _victim _and _abuser_ drove him crazy. "Yeah..." He gave off an accidental attitude.

"James," she hissed, getting his full attention. "Do you even want to be here? You haven't had much progress in the last few months. If you thought that you were actually with Addie you're in for a new world. It was an experiment to see how you could handle a new relationship. You handled it fairly well but that fact that you went back to your old ways in less than one minute means you need more help."

James remained silent; his nerves rose and he felt played. Is it everyone's goal to make him feel like absolute shit?

"James, are you listening?"

"No." He yelled. "No i'm not fucking listening alright? I fucking hate this place. You made Addie play me and now i feel like fucking shit. Cassidy broke up with me last week and doesn't want anything to do with me. So, no, Mrs. Daniels im not fucking listening to you. Why should I? You're exercises or whatever the fuck you call them don't help me."

Mrs. Daniels wrote things down on her paper as he went on.

"My mom wants to suddenly be in my life again after what? five years or so? I will not allow it. It isn't good for me and i would rather just be left alone."

"Left alone? Do you really think that is going to help? You _need_ to have interaction with people. Everyone you claim to love has left you. But what about your bandmates? What are their names?"

"Logan...Kendall...and Carlos..." He groggily replied, being stubborn.

"Don't they care about you?"

"...yeah..." he admitted.

"James, being happy is a choice. A choice that only you can make. If you are going to keep grudges and blame them for your mistakes you arent going to get anywhere. You need to accept that they screwed you over and then you can make a decision on whether you want them to be in your life. You're only in phase one of your treatment and their are five."

"What are the phases?"

"The first phase is acceptance. You need to accept all your wrong doings and how your actions have affected others."

"And the others?"

"Understanding what caused the abuse. Then after that is if you and your partner should be together or not. You just told me that she doesnt wanna be with you. How does that make you feel?"

"Angry," he looked down and the lady wrote more words down in her notebook.

"Are you hurt by that?"

"Yeah," he looked at her. "Really hurt."

"James," she looked at her client with empathy. "Would you be alright if we asked Cassidy to sign a restraining order against you?"

"What!" He screamed. "A restraining order? My abuse wasn't that bad..."

"James," she gave him a look. "It _was_ that bad. It was greatly horrid."

James gulped. A part of his brain forgot what he had done to her. "i don't remember hitting her." He had been here so long sometimes he fogot why he was admitted.

Mrs. Daniels grabbed out a file filled with pictures and documentations of police records of the beatings along with actual pictures of Cassidy being hurt. "Here are some photographs of her conditions..." She handed them to James and his eyes widened at the sight. Pulling the first picture out, James looked at it for about a few seconds and couldn't handle looking at it. He shoved it back inside the file as he covered his face with his right hand. "Oh my god..." his voice cracked. "She has...bruises...everywhere and, and she's bleeding... and, and," he stuttered and broke down in tears. Mrs. Daniels sat in silence, she knew that denial was the stage James was in. She knew that James was believing that just because he was getting help that it would make everything better. It forced himself to believe that he was a good person, which he was, but the actions he made said something different. It was like a part of his brain was telling him he was better and fixed when he wasn't. He looked at the pictures the first day he came in here and had the same reaction. He said the exact same thing he was saying now and it let along with the doctors what they were working with. He wasn't better. Not one bit. It explains why he lost control several days ago.

James wiped tears away from his eyes and he opened the file. His eyes scanned the police files; He read and his brain only digested the hightlighted words. _Emotional abuse, hit, slapped, dangerous, out-of-control, charges, suicide_ and _bipolar_ were a few of them. "Mrs. Daniels...Am i a horrible person?" He asked, choking up as well.

"You are a very good person." She lightly smiled at him. "Good people make bad choices okay?"

"Am i gonna go to jail?"

Mrs. Daniels shook his head. "Since you decided to go to counseling a judge is offering you no jail time. But if you mess up once, you go to jail for a certain amount of years.""I only get one chance?" His voice appeared to be weak and unhappy. "One chance is enough for some people." James nodded in agreement.

Inside of him, James realized that he couldn't continue his life this way. The images were horrid; apalling was a better word. Being famous and seeing your mother abuse someone was no excuse for his actions. He never, ever, wanted to put someone else in that position again. He never wanted to hit a person again. He wanted to change and become a better man; a _man._ Men don't hit women, he remembered the famous saying, and it was the truth. He had been acting like a _boy_ for the past few years. He wasn't happy with himself and this was his changes to right all his wrongs.

"I wanna do it," Mrs. Daniels looked up at the sound of his voice. "I wanna do the restraining order." His voice was higher; he had confidence in himself now. A sort of confidence he didn't have before.

"Why?" Eyeing her paper, she needed an explanation to understand his psychological state. "Tell me why do you wanna do this?"

"I don't wanna hurt anyone anymore. I don't wanna lay a finger on anyone unless they touch me first. I do not want to be an abuser. I wanna be a man, not a boy that can't control himself. I'm like a kid that throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way. It's time for me to man-up and if her getting a restraining order against me is the only way for me to understand that i've hurt her before then so be it. She needs protection from me."

Mrs. Daniels gave him a look and wrote more down on the her notebook. "Okay, i have the form right here. Do you want to sign it?"

"Yes," He replied automatically, his voice again confident. She shoved useless papers and books out of the way on her desk and put the form in front of James.

"Sign your name here," she pointed to a blank line.

James grabbed a pen from a cup of writing utensils and he slowly wrote his name in cursive.

Mrs. Daniels looked at it; it was perfectly readable.

"I'm proud of you," She shook James' hand.

"Yeah," James smiled happiness running through him. "Me too."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Longest chapter ive ever written yeaahhh. :D I hope you liked it. Carlos and Cassidy got it inn lmfao. & How do you feel about Kendall liking the reporter? do you think they should be together? mhmmmm? and james is finally getting better. woot woot! happy. hope you liked this chapter. :)


	12. chapter 12

The second James signed the restraining order contract James felt a part of him drop.

"I'm proud of you," Mrs. Daniels shook his hand.

"Yeah," James smiled happiness running through him. "Me too."

He was no longer allowed to see her. As happy and proud he was that he had the ability to sign it as he walked back to his room he shut the door.

Falling to his feet, James leaned his back against the door and rushed a hand through his hair. He tugged on a few strands of hair before he finally decided to keep his hand in his hair.

He closed his eyes and began whispering a song out loud. It was "The Moon" by the swell season and it always calmed him down.

Repeating the lyrics, he got lost in his mind as flashbacks ran though his head.

"Shut the door to the moon, And let the birds gather, Play no more with the fool, And let the souls wander, And bleed, From the soul..."

_"Hey!" He screamed as soon as Cassidy opened the front door. He remembered how dark the circles were underneath her eyes. Cassidy jumped in a startled manner, whispering a "What?" "Where have you been?" He remembered screaming. His voice held so much rage and anger he could barely recognize it. "I was at work..." "Bullshit," he cut her off. "Tell me the truth," "I am," she defended herself and James remembered himself walking over to her in a fast pace. Grabbing her by the wrist he threw her down to the ground and screamed in her face "Tell. Me. The. Truth. Now."_

"A slow hurt.. and it breaks us, And so down, Down, down and so plain, So down, When you play some more it seems so, And my friends are past this game, Of breakdowns..." He put his knees in his chest; his eyes closed as he sang along.

_"I wanna leave you," Cassidy announced as James watched Saturday's football game. "What?" He shrieked, jumping to hit feet. "I said," she started but could feel a tickle in the back of her throat as James slowly rubbed his finger along the line of her collarbone. "I heard what you said." He looked her dead in the eye. It was as if he was controlling her mind and every aspect of it. "And you don't mean it. You're gonna stay with me. Forever."_

"Cut the bonds with the moon, And watch the dogs gather..."

_"Don't!" Cassidy screamed as loud as she could. Her right hand was on the doorknob of the front door and another was on the handle of her baggage. "Don't tell me what to do!" She yelled, her voice full of pain. "You don't control me." She said, pushing past him she walked the steps to her car and gave James gave her a desperate look. "I can change... please." "How?" Cassidy crossed her arms against his chest. "I'll be nicer..." he thought of what she wanted to hear. "Give you more respect and not cheat on you."_

He didn't understand why she stayed with him. I guess it was because the good memories they had were _good._

_"Hi beautiful," James grabbed Cassidy's waist from behind and kissed her cheek. "Hi," she blushed because of his touch. "I love you," he hopefully said. "I love you too," She turned around and felt his lips press against hers. "I got you something," he reached inside his pocket showing a small cresant engraved necklace in his palm. "James, it's beautiful." She smiled in awe. "Just like you."_

"And i touch the wasted space..."

_James sent a light knock on Cassidy's window. Running over to it, Cassidy shocked in mere horror at the sight of him. "James," he gasped. "What are you doing here? If my parents see you they're gonna flip." "I'll take that risk." He pushed the window open with the help of Cassidy and climbed inside her bedroom. "I just had to see you on your birthday." Cassidy's parents never allowed James to see Cass but they did it anyway. "Awe, you're so sweet." She pecked his lips. "Wanna see your present?" "James you didn't have to get me anything..." "I wanted too. You gotta treat your lady good, right?" She smiled at how confident he always was. "What's my present?" James pushed a strand of hair out of her face and kissed her passionately. "This," he handed her a cd that was entitled with "Cassidy's playlist. "I thought it was a good gift so if yaknow you miss me you can hear out song play whenever you want. It didn't cost much but-" "James," she put her finger on his lips. "I love it," She kissed him again and James felt the most happiest he'd ever been._

He just got so jealous when he saw how her and Carlos connected when the band started...

_"Carlos, stop!" Cassidy giggled loudly as Carlos attempted to tickle her. She swatted his hands away and James noticed as cleaned around the recording studio. He always kept an eye on them. He would always see them smile, laugh, giggle, he got extremely jealous._

James' eyes popped open; one single tear falling down his cheeks as the flashbacks overtook him. "Jealousy," he said to himself. Standing on his knees, James grabbed his half-filled suitcase and began flipping through it. Finding a small brochure about abuse he read a sentence out loud... "The cycle of abuse: 1. Person becomes angry and jealous. 2. Person does something intimidating, violent or irrational. 3- Abuser aplogizes to partner and says it'll never happen again." He sighed, falling flat on his butt.

He leaned down, his elbow sitting on his left leg, his elbow sitting on his wrist, he shoved the suitcase aside.

"If i'm gonna get better i'm going to need to get rid of my inner demons," he said to himself with determination. "And that's exactly what i'm gonna do."

He grabbed a notebook from the side of the bookshelf the counseling center provided and grabbed a pen from his back pocket and flipped open to an empty page. He drew a straight line that created two columns. One column titled "Triggers" another called "Reasons why." Writing in the 'Triggers' column be wrote down _Carlos, my mom, _and_ jealousy. _In 'reasons why' he found himself staring at the black page when it came to the Carlos section of the column. Carlos was a good person; he knew he could never hurt Cassidy. His eyes scanned down to the jealousy section and he knew that was the reason. He insecurities got the best of him and he needed to feel in control. As always, James thought with an eye roll.

James wrote for an hour or two until he looked at the close and saw it being near one o'clock in the morning. Falling flat on his back, he slowly drifted asleep feeling better about himself since he wrote. He was gonna do that from now on; write. He felt so many weights lifted off his shoulders, _yeah, writing is what i'm gonna do._

As the morning rolled around, James was still in his deep slumber. Addie opened the door to James' room for a check-in but was surprised to see so many papers curled up into balls around his body. She noticed that each had small scribbles of words on them. Walking near James, she grabbed the notebook that was next to James' body. Reading it, she smiled in amazement.

"Mrs. Daniels," She said into her walkie talkie that was attached to her vest. "I think James is ready for phase two of his treatment." "What? How?" She responded but as Addie opened her mouth to reply Mrs. Daniels was already in the doorway. "Why do you think- Whoa, what happened here?"

"It's James," She announced. "Look at this chart!" She grabbed his notebook and threw it in her arms. Shaken from the catch, her shoulders fell and she laid her eyes on the notebook. "It's . . . it's _amazing_. It shows the psychological development of someone that is in phase four of this program!"

"Wow. It's hard to say that . . . he may be getting out early. Not now, of course. But maybe three weeks earlier than the usual. I don't know what i did yesterday, but i'm glad i did. These are major improvements, indeed. I'll be showing this to the judge."

"You can't just take the notebook." Addie stopped her. "It's personal property."

"Right," she sat it down on the bookshelf near her. "I'll take pictures of it."

Once Mrs. Daniels was done taking pictures of th evidence, she left the room.

Addie looked at James who looked so peaceful and innocent; she wondered what he was thinking about. Grabbing the notebook from the bookshelf, she leaned down onto her knee and put it in the place she found it.

"Getter better James," she whispered into his ear. "You deserve to be happy."


	13. Chapter 13

_Dear Diary,_

_Everyone has one true-love snapshot. I sadly don't. I have written in this journal for more 90 days now, every day, and i am glad to announce that i am officially leaving Ohio's Anger management and rehabilitation center for abusive behavior program. I have sat in this very room, feeling tortured and alone so many times. Going through so many therapeutic sesstions i am proud to say that i accepted all my faults as an individual. This place, the room, this entire center has been my home for the last six months. If i'm being honest, i'm scared as hell to leave. I used to think that rehab was an easy fix process; but i now realize it's so easy to go back to your old ways and relapse. As i pack my bags, they were all filled with over-worn clothing i was too lazy to wash, i can look around at the blank white walls and be proud of myself. I am no longer an abuser. I have crossed that line many times before and i now know my standards and what is appropriate and unappropriate. I now clearly look at the world and feel changed. I feel changed and I also feel bad. I haven't talked to any of the guys in months. I haven't talked to any of my family members either but i found it easier to get better that way. Worrying about other people & what they want instead of what i want is a thing i looked over. That was something that contributed to my abuser behaviour, actually. Haha. I'm in a new place in my life; in a fragile state to say. I'm worried that once i leave this place i go back to my old ways. But i know the triggers of my old ways and I am going to make everything completely different. New schedules, new managers, new agents, people that i want to work with. I can still do i love but if their is ever the choice of me having the choose between my health or career i'd choose my health. I know how to respond to new change; Mrs. Daniels definitely helped with that. I remember my first day here. She hated me, lol. And i hated it here. I was so stubborn and ungrateful that i had this place. This place changed my life. So as this diary entry comes to an end i want to say goodbye to the old James Maslow. Goodbye to the one who couldn't trust anyone but himself. Goodbye to the James who took on too many work loads for him to understand. Goodbye to the James who didn't respect woman. And hello, to the new one. I've learned over my last few days here that i can come back if i need too. I can come back if i feel like i'm relapsing because this is what rehab is for. To help. And thats a thing i wanna do. Help the new find a way to help people dealing with the same thing. I find it funny that a huge mistake like this could make someone wanna be proativ and wanna change and help other people; woman especially. I know alot of people will judge me from now on; i won't be able to live this down. It isn't necessarily a bad thing either. Living it down would cause people to forget. It would cause me to forget and i don't wanna forget. Forget leads to old patterns and this is my time for a fresh start._

_My bell just rang, so i'm gonna go and get ready to head back to La Jolla. _

_Much Love, James Maslow._

James ran his fingers over the spine of the notebook and noticed how ripped up and torn it had become. He shoved it to the side of him and sprang to his feet. Today was the day. He was finally going home and finally going to see his friends and family members for the first time in nine months. Nickelodeon sent him a gift basket which he gladly returned since he was fired. He felt liberated; he had no job, no girlfriend, and now he had a chance for a fresh start. He strapped one of his bags around his shoulder and grabbed the handle to his suitcase he walked down the hallway with a deep itch in his throat.

Inside his head, he expected people to be clapping and proud of him; i mean, he was so proud of himself. He knew it didn't work that way everyday new abusers and abusees came into the center looking for help. He was one of them. He spent his birthday in this place, halloween and other holidays he couldn't name. He was on his way to spend Thanksgiving with the band and his family. His dad, his older sister Ali and Kendall's family was also there. Kathy, Kevin, Kenneth and all the rest were there too. Carlos brought Antonio and Javi as well. James didn't know about Logan they did not get the chance to speak over the phone.

In less than four hours, James was in his home town. No paparazzi followed him which he was thankful for; the news probably forgot all about this scandal.

Grabbing a key out of his pocket, he opened his house door and slowly stepped inside. It was dark; a little too dark since it was almost one in the afternoon. He walked towards the light switch and within seconds people all over the room jumped out of the dark screaming "surprise!" on the top of their lungs. The lights turned on and a big banner hung in the living room. "Welcome home James" it adressed and confetti bursted through the hair. He noticed familar faces; Carlos had a big smile on his face as always. Kendall grinned wearing a dark red plaid shirt walked over to him and gave him a big hug. "Hey man, it's nice to see you." He didn't havea chance to respond because next came Logan and than Carlos. They all exchanged hugs and on his way up the stairs he greeted and smiled at everyone with a warm feeling in his stomach.

At the top of the stairs James was about to enter his bedroom when a loud laught erupted from the bathroom. He dropped his bags in front of his bedroom door and slowly moved his feet towards the bathroom. The voice was unrecognizable and he gently knocked on the door.

"Yeah?" The voice asked.

His arm fell to his side and the door suddenly opened. A tall blonde girl with a huge smile on her face looked at James "Oh, hi, you must be James." She shook his head.

"Yeah," he faked a smile. "What's your name?"

"Halston," She stuffed her phone in her pocket. "I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone since yaknow, he lives my hometown."

"Oh," he replied with a nod. A part of him wanted Cassidy to open the door and he was disappointed when she didn't. Turning on his heel he walked back to his room putting his bags of luggage on his bed. He would put his stuff away later. Closing the door behind him, he walked downstairs and saw how nice the party was.

"James, my man!" Kendall smiled and gave him a bro hug. "What's up?"

"Nothing really, i'm just sort of tired . . ." James froze at the sight of her. Her blondish brown hair was completely different. Dyed a passionate red color James found his breath quicken. She was in deep conversation with someone, a huge smile on her face, her laugh could be heard from miles away. James smiled to himself as he looked at her. She wore a knee length purple dress with her long hair looking extravagant. Her eyes glistened agaisnt the silhouette of the sun causing her skin to glow. She turned for a second, her eyes staring directly at him. Her face fell for an instant but she regrew her gorgeous grin. Everything felt slow; while every tapped glass cups against eachother's, while everyone laughed and joked, while everyone's family members talked in deep conversation those things were at the back of his brain. She could feel it too, Cassidy's cup filled with red wine slowly slipped out of her hand dropping to the floor. Their gaze continued while a girl with blonde hair tapped her shoulder. "Cassidy, you dropped your cup." "I know," she said not taking her eyes off of James. She kicked the cup to the side and felt every emotion from the past few years kick back into full mode, consuming her. "James," she breathed , her throat thick. Smiling at the sight of his name his grin widened. Cassidy slowly held up her finger to stop the conversation she was having and felt her dimples rise on her cheeks. "James," she repeated and began running full speed. "James," she shouted louder this time, running faster, pushing past everyone in her way. James found himself running too, meeting eachother in the middle of the room they both collided into eachother's arms. "James," she said and he rocked her body back and forth. "I missed you," she said as she pulled away and pressed her lip's against James.

"James?" Kendall waved his hand in front of his face, snapping him out of his daydream.

"Oh," He loudly screamed, running a sweaty hand through his hair. "Yeah, right, what were you saying?" Her nervously chuckled.

"What was I saying? Man, what were you saying? You looked across the room and completely zoned out."

"Sorry," he mumbled with a shrug.

Kendall raised an eyebrow, looking in the same direction as James. "Ohhhh," he realized when he saw Cassidy. Putting a hand on James' shoulder he gave him a sympathetic look. "Bro, she's still with Carlos."

It was as if Kendall could read his mind. "I know," he looked down and you could see the pain written all over his face.

"Don't feel bad." Kendall encouraged.

"I don't feel bad. I just . . . I miss the feeling of having her in my arms." He slouched a bit, taking a sip of a cup of water.

"Why don't you tell her that?" Kendall wisely asked, drifting away into the kitchen.

Kendall left him forcing James to make a decision. Cassidy had clear view of him and James felt stupidity wash over him. He knew Cassidy wouldn't come running back. His lost his touch with reality once again.

He slumped his shoulders and walked back upstairs. Maybe unpacking was a good idea . . . he felt so out of place at his own party. He felt miserable seeing Cassidy with another guy, even if the guy was his best friend, he just had to embrace it and move on.

Unzipping the zipper of his first bag, he began grabbing already folded clothes and began putting them in his dresser.

Someone knocked on the door but he didn't look up. Mumbling a "come in" James again froze at the fact that Cassidy was standing in front of him.

"Hey James," her lips were covered in lip gloss that made her look even more beautiful in person. "Are you okay?" She looked at James with an on-edge look in her eye as he continued unpacking. "Why wouldn't i be?" He looked at her his eyes glossy.

"Oh Come on James," she hit his shoulders. "I have dated you half my life. I'm pretty sure i can tell when you're upset." She confidently smiled.

"Alright," he groaned. "So I am upset."

"Wanna talk about?" She asked while gazing at the half-empty suitcase.

"No," he shook his head. "You wouldn't understand."

"James," she started unsure of what to say. "If you need someone to talk to you can come to me . . ." She stopped talking once she noticed how quiet he had gotten.

"How?" He looked at her dropping a piece of clothing from his hands. "How am i supposed to talk to you about wanting you back?"

Her throat tightened and she looked at the glass in her hand. "James . . ." she started, her words pained.

"I can see it in your eyes, too. You love me." He said hopefully.

"Well, of course i do." She started and saw him smile. "I've loved you since i was seventeen. Just because i'm with Carlos doesn't change the fact that you will always be my first love."

James smiled to himself. "You were my first love too,"

Cassidy looked at the ground while James cleared his throat. "But that doesn't change anything . . . I'm still with Carlos and you, you don't need me to do what you love okay? I'm always open to be your friend but you need to move on in order for me too alright?"

He smiled. "You're right," he nodded in agreement. "I'm sorry i'm acting this way."

"It's okay," she pursed her lips. "I know it's hard. Trust me."

They grinned at eachother while there was a long pause inbetween them. "Now," Cassidy broke the silence. "Where's my hug?" She opened her arms wide open; her voice was cheery and happy.

"It's right here," James muttered feeling like a kid as he hugged her. He wrapped his arms around her waist while she rubbed his back. "I miss having you in my arms," Cassidy remained silent and James continued. "You really are one _amazing_ girl. I'm happy to see how happy you make Carlos."

"Aww," She grinned, her cheeks turning red. "Thank you," They pulled apart. "Even thought i'm with Carlos and i truly do love him deeply . . . nothing with compare to the way i loved you." She started to smile but also got teary-eyed.

"The feeling is mutual." He smiled.

"So," she looked at all of his luggage. "I'm going to let you finish unpacking, i'll be downstairs if you need me." She walked towards the door.

"Cool," James replied with a smile on his face as the door closed.

* * *

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Cassidy teased as she saw Kendall give Lauren a kiss on the cheek.

"An amazing girl who happens to be involved with an amazing guy," Lauren gazed at Kendall lovingly who happily grabbed her hand. "Oh yeah, Cassidy, your story is being published with People Magazine! I finally had my big break!" She jumped in excitement.

"Lauren, i'm so happy for you!" Cassidy cheered giving her friend a hug.

"Thank you," She had a never-ending smile on her face.

"This party is amazing, i'm so happy everything worked out. I'm also happy you're family could make it."

Kendall smiled. "I'm happy they could make it."

Cassidy smiled to herself playing with a strand of her new red locks. "Where's Carlos?"

"With Antonio and Papa Pena!" Kendall pointed across to room which Cassidy's eyes followed. "Oh okay," She smiled once she saw him. "Sometimes i lose him,"

"You lose your boyfriend?" Kendall frowned.

"Shut up okay? I'm weird," she licked her lips making sure her lips looked plump.

"Yes you are," Kendall winked.

Once Carlos stopped talking to his famile Cassidy ran over to Carlos pulling him aside. "Carlos," she breathed. "Nickelodeon just called."

"Yeah? What'd they say?"

"They want to know if you want your job back."

"Really?" Carlos smiled. "Me and the guys are gonna get back to work-"

"No, Carlos." Cassidy bit her lip. "Not all the guys."

Carlos raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean not all the guys?"

"They only want you to work with them."

Within a second, Carlos' eyes widened and he dropped to his knees.

* * *

"You're kidding me, right?" Kendall breathed deeply becoming clausterphobic because of the tight space. Cassidy looked at Kendall nodding. "Yeah, Nickelodeon wants Carlos back." Kendall furrowed an eyebrow. "Is he gonna go back?" His voice was tense in an unpleasant tone. "Kendal, don't get mad. He hasn't even talked to Nickelodeon yet." She grabbed Kendall's shoulder. "He doesn't want to talk to Nickelodeon." "Why not?" Kendall jerked his shoulder away. "What do you want him to say? Please Kendall, don't say anything to Logan or James. I wasn't even supposed to tell you."

"So he was gonna keep it from us?" He shot her a dirty look.

"Of course not," She pushed a strand of hair beind her hair. "He was going to wait until after dinner. It's not like he is gonna go anyway. He couldn't leave you guys."

Kendall considered what she was saying was true. "I guess . . . you're right . . ." A small smile framed the corner of his lips.

"I know I am," Cassidy crossed her hands against her chest. "Now," she gulped. "Let's go back out to the party and get ready to eat dinner."

"Okay,"

* * *

"Dear Lord," Carlos started the prayer hand-in-hand with Cassidy who was hand-in-hand with Logan. The entire table was filled and everyone closed their eyes and held someone's hand. The room was silent and even though everyone's eyes were closed he couldn't help but feel someone staring at him. He opened his eye but shut them as soon as Carlos started saying grace.

Once grace was said everyone opened their eyes and began digging into their plates. James noticed that individual plates filled with certain food were scattered along the tables; one with turkey, one with ham, some with cranberry cause and another pie. He forgot the taste of regular food; stabbing his fork into his food he felt the delicious taste in his mouth as he chewed.

The room was filled with loud voices talking, overwhelming him, and on the inside all he wanted to do was scream. Everyone was acting like this was some big celebration; in a way it was, but he didn't understand how everyone thought things would go back to normal. Things wouldn't ever go back to normal.

Gulping down another spoonful of food he got a weird taste in his mouth. Pushing his chair back with his feet he stood up; properly dusting himself off. Walking towards the front door he slowly closed it and sat on one of the benches. He felt the cold air rush over him; he always loved fall.

"Are you okay?" Logan's voice asked.

James shook his head and gulped. "I just needed to get out of there."

"Why?" He shoved his hands in his pockets and sat next to him.

"It was too cluttered; i got clausterphobic."

"Hmmm," Logan replied not buying it. "Or you're stressed."

"Stressed?" James considered it. "Of course i'm stressed. Everyone is in there acting like everything is going to go back to normal. Laughing and eating food it was all too much."

Logan licked his lips. "Dude, no one said it was gonna go back to normal. Everyone is that room is proud of you, really man. We all know how hard it is on you; hell, it was hard on us too. You've gotta put some trust in us too. Let us know how you're feeling. We can't be there for you if you're always gonna race out the door when you feel upset."

James smiled at his words. "You're right, I'm sorry."

"It's alright. Now, let's go get eat."

"Actually . . . i'm gonna stay out here."

"Okay then," Logan looked at James the bright brown swirls in his hazel eyes were illuminated. "So am I."

"Really? Why?" His voice was full of surprise.

"Why wouldn't I? You're my best friend," he put his hand on his shouder. "You always will. Even when times get rough i've always believed in you."

James grinned while Logan stood to his feet. "I'm gonna go get some food, you want anything?"

"Uh . . ." James wasn't so sure. "My plate is on the table. Grab it for me?"

"Will do."

"Oh and James?" Logan twisted his body with the door half-open.

"Yeah?"

"It's good to have you back."

James and Logan smiled at eachother before Logan closed the door behind him; he was happy Logan came to talk to him. He always was a great friend.


	14. Chapter 14

Carlos constantly felt a buzzing in his left pocket. Cassidy and a few other of his family members crowded around him and he tried his best to ignore it. Slowly shuffling it deeper in his pocket the buzzing became louder.

"Cassidy," He tugged on the sleeve of her shirt. Pulling her close he gently whispered in her ear. "Nickelodeon won't stop calling me."

Carlos pulled away looking directly at Cassidy for a response. Her lips were pursed, her eyes emotionless and all she did was shrugged. "Do you wanna go somewhere? and talk about it?"

He nodded slowly grabbing her hand as he left the room.

"What's up?" She nonchalantly looked down her voice in a pleasant tone.

"What's up!? That's all you can say to me!?" Carlos shook his head repeated, his voice was strained from all of his panicked thoughts.

"Whoa," She talked with her hand. "Wanna start over?" She perked her head up high and put her left hand on her waist.

"Right," Carlos swallowed. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine,"

Carlos looked around his surroundings hoping to find an answer. "Nickelodeon won't stop calling me."

"And?" She sat down on one of the beds in the room next to Carlos leaning her head on his shoulder. "What'd they say?"

"Nothing. They texted me asking if i wanted a buisness proposal but . . ." Carlos looked down at her. "I can't do that. Not to the guys. That would make me an awful friend."

"Plus," Cassidy added. "They don't even seem to care about James. Do they even know he's back?" Nudging her head deeping into his shoulder Carlos shuffled his arm around her waist pulling her in closer. "I don't know," Carlos replied. "I don't know and if they do then that's not fair to James. It isn't fair to any of us. We still have fans. In a way, even though Nickelodeon fired us, we still have the same loyal fans we had three years ago."

"How does that make you feel?"

Carlos slowly wiped away a small tear that formed. "I miss it," Sniffling Cassidy tightened the hug as much as she could. "I miss seeing my face everyone and always getting a tweet saying 'i love you' from a fan. I barely even go on the thing since the band has ended and i just . . . i just don't want all of us to go our separate ways."

"Do you think you are gonna go your separate ways?" Cassidy gulped. "You and the guys? Soon?"

"I don't know. Everything is happening so fast, i honestly wouldnt be surprised if we did."

One look into Carlos' eyes and Cassidy could practically read his mind. He was torn in half; he couldn't just pick up and leave to go do some new entertainment job for the station that fired him. He knew it wouldn't be right and he had no clue if the job would even last. But if he did, he knew the guys would be mad. More than angry, they would be _betrayed. _They've been with eachother every step of the way so far and Carlos knew there was no way he could leave them. "Don't say that," Cassidy softly kissed his forehead. "You and the guys will be fine, okay?"

"You don't know that," he mumbled underneath his breath. His phone vibrated again, loud enough for both of them to hear. Their eyes gazed at the phone as soon as it light up. The ID labeled Nickelodeon.

"You're right i don't," she started and all she heard was the buzzing of his phone. "Pick up the phone and find out for yourself," She encouraged standing to her feet.

"Wait," he grabbed her hand. Her body twisted around and she frowned. "Yes?"

"Stay with me?" He pushed his fingers in-between hers his eyes full of hope.

"Sure," she smiled taking a seat next to him.

Carlos took a deep breath as he pressed the phone to his ear. "Yes?" He asked, his eyes glazed with a clear liquid that was soon going to be tears.

"We would like to offer you a new job for a new nickelodeon show . . ." A representative started, Cassidy could tell if was a men by the tone of voice. "Sorry," Carlos cut him off. "I can't accept," he shut his phone, his face falling in his hands.

Running her hands up and down Carlos' back, she sighed. "Carlos," she started. "Why'd you do that?"

Sitting up straight Carlos glanced at his knuckles. "I know sooner or later me and the guys are gonna go our separate ways . . ." He swallowed. "But, not now. I'd rather have it happen later than now." He shoved his phone pocket feeling Cassidy's lips press against his cheek. "I'm proud of you." She eased a smile into her cheeks.

"Me too," He looked down feeling a terrible feeling in his stomach. He didn't know if it was regret or reassurance that he made the right decision.

* * *

"You guys!" Logan raced into the kitchen getting Kendall's, Logan's and James' attention. "You never would believe what i heard."

"What?" James asked.

"Nickelodeon offered Carlos a job."

Kendall's eyes widened. He slowly clasped his hands together gulping while he remained silent.

"And he didn't take it." Logan finished and all three guys sighed of relief.

"But why?" James questioned. "Why would he not take a job offer like that?"

"Because," Logan gulped. "He didn't wanna leave us. He doesn't want us to go our separate ways; anytime soon, anyway."

"But we will, eventually." Kendall spoke up, feeling a knot in his stomach.

"I know,"

"Guys, calm down!" James announced. "I just go back." James set his drink aside on the table and stood to his feet. "And i'm ready to do this. To be a band again."

"James, we got fired . . ." Logan started his voice trailing off.

"Yeah!" James loudened his voice. "We got fired! We dont need Nickelodeon! We would have been fired years ago if it wasn't for our fans. I don't know about you, but whose checked their twitters lately?"

The other two boys looked down unaware that they still even had the website connected to their phones.

"You guys havent? Well I have! And you should _see_ the support we have gotten! Fans are begging us, pleading with their whole hearts, for us to be a band again. Throughout all of this, the negative energy, the hate, the ups and downs, our fans have kept us together! Our fans." James' voice got louder and louder as he spoke and the inspiration ran through Kendall and Logan as fast as air entered their lungs. "Our beautiful fans. The girls, even the guys, they motivated me a few minutes ago. I don't wanna stop doing music. I love it so much. More than anything; And i believe that we don't need Nickelodeon or Columbia records to do this!"

"You really wanna do this?" Logan asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

"You don't?" James threw his hands in the air. "What have we told our fans everyday to never do?"

"Not give up," Kendall whispered.

"Correct!" James pointed at the blonde. "Never give up! How about we take our own advice and not give up. This band has been apart of my for the longest and it's a serious blessing. I'm not gonna lose this because one record company doesnt want us anymore. Their are hundreds of record companies. And since we've already been successful we shouldn't fail." James was smiling; so much hope was in his eyes. "They haven't given up on us. We shouldn't give up on ourselves. Kendall, you went from this guys posting videos on youtube to a megastar in less than three years because of a choice. A choice to believe in yourself. Logan, you came to LA with no back-up plan. Nothing. And you've finally became something. Something incredible; all of us have been created into these amazingly successful singers because of our fans. They've always been my biggest inspiration. C'mon guys, we can do this!" James stuck out his hand and all three boys got a flash in their head from the pre-show ritual. "I'm one hundred percent in this. Are you?"

Kendall's cheek light up with a rose color. "I'm in!" He stuck out his hand it toppling over James' knuckle.

"I'm in this!" Logan agreed, his handing topping it.

"Me too," A familar voice said from behind all of them. They all cocked their heads to the left, an almost in tears Carlos stuck out his hand adding to the pile of hands. "I'm in this. Forever."

All four guys smiled at eachother before Logan jumped up and down grabbing a bottle of champayne from the side. "Big Time Rush is back!" Popping off the lid champayne shot out from the top, soaking everyone in the room. James and Kendall belted out into laugher; their laughs could be heard at the other end of the house. James grabbed Kendall from this side; His right arm around his shoulder blades. "James definitely knows how to inspire," Kendall chuckled, all four boys talking adding on to the homey filled vibe of the party.

"This day couldn't have been better," Cassidy walked into the room grabbing a beer from the cooler. "James is back, incredibly healthy by the way," James gave her a smile as she talked. "And my boys are getting back together!" She cheered taking a sip of her drink.

"We're your boys?" Kendall asked.

"hey, i've known you guys forever. I love all of you!"

"Good to know," Carlos smiled kissing her cheek out of the blew.

Chuckling, Logan turned to James. "I love you, man!"

"Love you too bro," He have Logan a quick hug.

They all cheered; screaming out "woo hoo" with a loud, but happy, rattling sound in each of their voices.


End file.
